Hello again, dear friend Anonymous. Welcome back to our sex talk column where readers submit questions, and we do our research and then craft a story to answer as many as we can. We recently tapped Liz Goldwyn—author, filmmaker, and the founder of The Sex Ed, an educational platform and podcast dedicated to sex, health, and consciousness in the digital age—to provide her expert insight on a handful of the steamiest submissions (like blow job tips, the lowdown on Tantric sex, how to ask for more sex with your partner, and what to do if you don’t like being on top). Today we’re discussing what to do if you’re ready to say a slippery goodbye to your dry streak.
Whether you’re in a relationship where things have been slow in the bedroom or single and given the pandemic weren’t able to enjoy in-person physical activity—the reason doesn’t matter. All we care about is getting things back in motion under the sheets (or wherever you prefer to get it on).
Keep reading for Liz’s simple piece of advice for safely re-entering a sexually active lifestyle. Spoiler alert: you don’t even need a partner to get your groove back, just start vibing …
After a Long Time of No Sex, What's the Best Way to Get Back Into It?
“The first thing to do when you’re getting back into the swing of things after a long time without sex (however you define sex, as there is no one-size-fits-all definition) is not to put pressure on yourself. It’s really easy to stress and feel down on yourself for a perceived lack of sex in comparison to the people around you. There are many reasons for taking a break, and all are valid. Being gentle on yourself is crucial.
Oftentimes, we rush to define our sex lives by the people we’re having sex with. But the most important relationship in life is the one we have with ourselves, and that includes sexual relationships. I wholly recommend masturbating as the best way to get back into it; lots of people take breaks, and because our sexuality is constantly evolving and changing, rediscovering your body and its pleasures is number one on the to-do list.
On The Sex Ed Podcast, I spoke to tons of people—actors, supermodels, musicians, historians, and more—for a special episode about celibacy. One of them, porn star Joanna Angel, told me that she’s taken many breaks from off-camera sex. She said, ‘I just stopped thinking about sex. I actually masturbated. Masturbating is really good for you. People forget that when they really feel the need to get laid. That need can go away by just taking care of yourself. Take the edge off, so then when you go out there in the world and you’re ready to meet someone, you can give them the best version of you and not this desperate, anxious, on-edge version of you. I want sex to be fun and a beautiful moment that you’re sharing with someone, not something that is almost like an addiction you need to fill or something. When I start to feel that way—like, oh, I haven’t done this in so long, I need to do it—that’s the time when I think it’s OK to wait till you’re having sex for the right reasons.’
Think of it this way: if you sprain an ankle, you probably wouldn’t go and run a 5K the day after it’s healed. You’d probably start small and work your way back. Sex is no different!”
Stay tuned for Liz’s next sex talk column, and drop us a DM for a chance to have your question answered (anonymously of course).
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Liz Goldwyn is an author, filmmaker, and the founder of The Sex Ed, an educational platform and podcast dedicated to sex, health, and consciousness in the digital age. A passionate advocate of sex education, Goldwyn is committed to providing resources for others to explore sexual wellness. Goldwyn is the writer and director of the documentary Pretty Things (HBO, 2005). She is the author of the nonfiction book Pretty Things: The Last Generation of American Burlesque Queens (HarperCollins, 2006) and the novel Sporting Guide (Regan Arts/Phaidon, 2015). Goldwyn’s short films include Underwater Ballet (2008), L.A. at Night (2009), The Painted Lady (2012), Dear Diary (2013), Love Meditation (2016), and Cello Dream (2017).
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