Hello again, dear friend Anonymous. Welcome back to our sex talk column where readers submit questions, then we do our research and craft a story to answer. The topic of our latest submission: BDSM.
We tapped Lisa Finn, sex educator with Babeland, to give us the 101.
Leave vanilla behind. Explore beginner BDSM.
Sure, vanilla is delicious, and vanilla sex can be really hot, but sometimes we want some extra toppings on the sundae that is our sex life—handcuff hot fudge, spanking sprinkles, whip whipped cream (ok, we get it), and BDSM makes for some serious flavor upgrades to your play.
BDSM is an acronym standing for bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, masochism. It exists as an umbrella term used to describe a huge number of erotic acts and interests in the world of kink.
Bondage: Restricting or restraining a partner, like tying someone up and/or using cuffs or tethers.
Discipline: Also sometimes termed (or leading to) punishment, discipline involves a dominant partner setting rules or expectations for a submissive with consensually agreed “consequences” for breaking them.
Dominance: Consensually taking control or holding the power in a sexual scene or fantasy.
Submission: Consensually yielding or giving control to a dominant partner.
Sadism: Erotic interest in or enjoyment of inflicting pain, humiliation, or intense sensation.
Masochism: Erotic interest in or enjoyment of experiencing pain, humiliation, or intense sensation.
BDSM leans heavily on two components: sensation play and power dynamics.
Sensation play is the term for sensory exploration in an erotic way. But BDSM sensation play doesn’t just need to be sadomasochistic. It can include everything from using a feather to trace the skin and tease your partner to impact play that leaves them pleasurably sore and throbbing in the best way. It can be adding sensation, like with nipple clamps or wax play, or it can be restricting the senses like when wearing a blindfold.
If you are playing in a way that is more physically demanding like impact play (aka spanking, flogging)—don’t dive into the rough stuff right away. Everyone experiences sensation in a unique way, so what may feel like a light spank to you could be a serious smack to someone else. Start slow and work your way up, and you can build anticipation for the scene as you allow both you and your partner time to really get into the mental and physical space of your play.
It’s also vital to create a safeword to halt play if a line or boundary is crossed between pleasurable pain and actual discomfort or injury.
Cynthia Slater, a notable historic queer kinkster and activist, referred to BDSM as the “consensual eroticized exchange of power,” noting that each word in that phrase held value. There’s taking and yielding control through role play and/or action in a way that’s agreed upon by all parties for the sake of erotic or sexual pleasure.
Even submissives have true control in BDSM scenes, since their consent is pivotal. Everyone has an equal part in the agreement for mutual enjoyment, and consent can always be revoked by anyone regardless of their role in the power exchange of the scene.
Power dynamics also don’t have to be rigid. They can work on a spectrum. Is the exchange more about controlling the scene or the partner? Is the dominant person taking that role as more assertive or protective? Is the submissive one “pushing back” a bit, like being bratty, or are they playing a more serving role? Set these expectations with your partner before you start playing during scene negotiation, and communicate throughout your play, checking in and using safewords if needed.
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