Hello again, dear friend Anonymous. Welcome back to our sex talk column where readers submit questions, and we do our research and then craft a story to answer as many as we can. We recently tapped Liz Goldwyn—author, filmmaker, and the founder of The Sex Ed, an educational platform and podcast dedicated to sex, health, and consciousness in the digital age—to provide her expert insight on a handful of the steamiest submissions (like blow job tips and the lowdown on Tantric sex). Today we’re diving into communicating your intimate needs.
“Communicate, communicate, communicate! Unfortunately, we are not blessed with the power of telepathy, no matter how connected we can be with our partners. And, unless something out of a comic book happens, we won’t gain the ability to read minds anytime soon. So the only way to ask for more sex with your partner is to do just that—ask! They might not know that you want more, or perhaps something is going on (emotionally, physically, hormonal, mood stabilizer, SSRIs, etc.) that is preoccupying them or lowering their libido. The best way to get on the same page is to talk about it.
On The Sex Ed podcast, I spoke with Dr. Rachael Ross, a celebrated sexologist, family physician, mother, and founder of the Dr. Rachael Institute, where she certifies other sexologists. She said that a great way to build—and rebuild—intimacy can be gradual. ‘I think sometimes when we aren’t having [enough] sex, the real problem isn’t the sex … What we do is, when we’re trying to reintroduce intimacy into the relationship, we do something based off of this concept called sensate focus, which is basically going slow. We rebuild intimacy. We start by holding hands. We go out and have a good time. We start kissing. We start making out … rebuilding intimacy by having good times. We know for a fact that if you go and do things that raise the adrenaline together, whether it’s taking up skiing or jumping out of an airplane, believe it or not, it actually improves sexual connectedness. Even flirting through text messages, giving them something to daydream about or fantasize about, all of that is so important.’
Something I also suggest is scheduling sex. Despite what a lot of people out there might think—and say—scheduling sex is extremely hot. Imagine getting a ping from your phone—or sending one to your partner—with an iCal invite that spells out how you’re going to fuck each other’s brains out after work. Or tomorrow at 10:30 p.m. Or Thursday at noon … it’s naughty, sexy, FUN, and the anticipation helps to increase sexual tension and get all parties excited. The possibilities are endless!”
Stay tuned for Liz’s next sex talk column, and drop us a DM for a chance to have your question answered (anonymously of course).
Up next, shop the newest items from the Poosh Shop here.