Hello again, dear friend Anonymous. Welcome back to our sex talk column where readers submit questions, and we do our research and then craft a story to answer as many as we can. We recently tapped Liz Goldwyn—author, filmmaker, and the founder of The Sex Ed, an educational platform and podcast dedicated to sex, health, and consciousness in the digital age—to provide her expert insight on a handful of the steamiest submissions (like blow job tips, the lowdown on Tantric sex, and how to ask for more sex with your partner). Today we’re discussing what to do if you don’t like being on top.
You might favor several positions and tricks—you know best what works for you and your partner, whether that’s a round of steamy foreplay, incorporating fun toys, or simply sticking to the moves you do on the regular. If you’re looking for a few new pointers, you can read our articles on nine tips to get your partner to hear you and sexy ways to turn your partner on with your tongue.
The most important thing, as Liz mentions below, is to be straightforward and clearly communicate your needs and what you like and don’t like. Just like your signature Chipotle order or the specific way you like to remove your makeup at night, it’s your preference that makes you uniquely you. And if being on top doesn’t fall on that list, just let your partner know and find other playful ways to get it on. Friendly reminder: being vulnerable is extremely sexy. Keep reading for Liz’s expert advice on this topic, and be sure to let us know on Instagram what you’d like us to cover next.
“Not every position works for everyone, and that’s OK! As always, communication is key.
There doesn’t need to be a reason as to why you don’t like being on top—not every position is for everyone. Some people may not like being on top because they feel vulnerable about how much of their body is on display—but that could be the exact reason why your partner enjoys it. However, perhaps talking about it will ease some of the anxiety you have around this position in particular.
Maybe it’s a physically uncomfortable position for you—in which case, you can talk to your partner about other positions to try that put you on top, but in a more comfortable way (like in the lotus position, where you’re on top, but both upright and facing each other).
I always recommend talking about sex before you take your clothes off. Preferably outside of the bedroom and sober, while maintaining good eye contact. It’s amazing foreplay, but it also allows you to establish your boundaries so that you and your partner know off the bat what will and won’t work.
I spoke with Alice Little about this on The Sex Ed podcast. Alice is likely the highest-earning legal sex worker in the United States. She cleared over $1.2 million in 2018 alone and is a certified sex educator who holds several master’s degrees. A true sexpert! She told me, ‘Connection and communication are intrinsically linked. That means that you have to know what your limits and boundaries are, as well as have the ability to communicate them effectively to your partner.’
As Alice explained, it’s OK to say, ‘Hey, my neck is really sensitive, but I’m also really ticklish. So please don’t put your hands in my armpits. But if you want to touch my nipples, they’re also super sensitive. Please do that.’ You can have a conversation just that easily.
Not everyone has to like everything. Our sexuality is specific to each and every one of us, like a fingerprint. Don’t be hard on yourself if you don’t want to be on top. Life can be hard enough as it is, with plenty of pressures—sex should be a source of pleasure and fun away from all of that.”
Stay tuned for Liz’s next sex talk column, and drop us a DM for a chance to have your question answered (anonymously of course).
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