For those who are female and female-identifying, masturbation can be a sensitive topic. Tools are handy, hands are even more handy, but mindset is everything. Navigating our own bodies is an important act of self-love and self-exploration. We went to Dr. Kate Balestrieri, Licensed Psychologist, Certified Sex Therapist, PACT II Couples Therapist and founder of @themodernintimacy, for her take on all things self-lovin’ to give us her expert insight on how to feel comfier getting down to biz, alone. Because orgasms are good for your health.
“Masturbation is a healthy form of self-expression—the ultimate self-love. It serves as a teacher for partnered sex, and more importantly, a celebration of your relationship with yourself. There are many benefits of masturbation, and ferreting out discomfort around self-pleasure can set the stage for a lifetime of sexual satisfaction,” Dr. Balestrieri starts.
She shares that masturbation is not just about a moment of pleasure. It can help us to “work through sexual dysfunction or pain, and ensure all the focus is on you. Masturbation with a partner can open up a whole new realm of pleasure for you both, can unlock new fantasies, and can create space for new levels of connectedness.”
We aren’t all conditioned to have such a relaxed outlook on masturbation, Dr. Balestrieri acknowledges. “To complicate the landscape even further, some people are discouraged away from masturbation due to cultural, religious, or shame-based messages communicated to them directly or indirectly growing up.
“Identify if you feel any shame, guilt, fear, or other emotions that have a negative connotation related to sex. Negative or prohibitive messages absorbed throughout life can extinguish arousal like a wet blanket on a hot flame. Take some time to journal and parse out what makes up your values, and what messages you can let go of, to free yourself up for the experience of self-pleasure.
“Any history of trauma can complicate your relationship to sex, whether partnered or alone. If that is true for you, consider working with a trauma-informed and sex-positive therapist to help you heal any wounds that prevent you from being able to fully relax or stay embodied. My virtual course, Revive & Thrive: An Integrative + Embodied Program to Heal from Trauma, can be a great kickstart to staying more embodied and attuned to your wants, needs, and limits, in the wake of trauma.”
Getting right down to it, Dr. Balestrieri has outlined some steps. “When you’re ready to get started, it can be helpful to take some time to first look at your body. Get familiar with it. Admire it. After all, it is not just your body, it is you! Examine with wonder, and stay away from self-judgment.
“Educate yourself on your anatomy. Refrain from comparing your body to anyone else’s. Find ways to celebrate your body, and honor it.
“Experiment and have fun! No two bodies are the same, and you might like different things on different days. Mood can impact desire, so give yourself permission to be open-minded to what feels good in any given moment. Free yourself from rigid expectations about what should feel good or what once did. Each moment masturbating is a new opportunity to connect with yourself and deepen your erotic experience.
“Play with different sensory experiences, in sexual and non-sexual ways. For example, if you feel uncomfortable with genital masturbation, you might want to build up to that, by exploring pleasurable sensations on other parts of your body. Explore different kinds of touch on your hand, arms, legs, neck, nipples, stomach, etc., before making your way to your genitals. Not only can this increase an overall sense of pleasure and eroticism, but it can help you develop a more attuned feedback loop between your mind and body. With every touch, pause and ask yourself what you liked or disliked about the experience. This can serve as a guide for learning how to properly get yourself off, and can be a huge help for partnered sex, as you can more confidently express what you like with a partner.
“The brain is the largest sex organ, and stimulating it is just as important as how you arouse your body. Allow yourself to get creative with your fantasies. Need some inspo? Think about a previous sexual experience that sent you to the moon, or the hottie you saw online.
“Consider introducing some sex toys into your repertoire.
“If you still feel uncomfortable about masturbation, don’t fret. Working with a Certified Sex Therapist can help you unlock new pathways forward into an empowered approach to self-love. A sex therapist can help you explore and eradicate shame, provide education about different techniques to try and methods to increase your orgasmic potential, and discuss ways to minimize or eliminate pain or discomfort.”
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