Hello again, dear friend Anonymous. Welcome back to our sex talk column where readers submit questions, and we do our research to craft a story that answers them. The topic of our latest submission: what to do when he won’t go down on you.
Editor’s note: Although this article uses male pronouns, the advice applies to all sexual orientations and gender identities.
To tackle this (cliterally) sensitive issue, we got advice from not one, not two, but three sex experts.
Here are their expert tips:
- “When talking to your partner, go slow and be friendly, positive, and respectful. Don’t go in with guns blazing. If there’s something that you want your partner to change or give to you, remember to try and be as sensitive as possible, as he may be unaware that there is an issue.” — Erika
- “Consent is key here. If something is a strong preference for you, that doesn’t mean that you can pressure your partner to do it. Most people with vaginas need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. If oral isn’t on the table, you can explore other options like using a vibrator (which is fun to add, regardless!).” — Nora
(Editor’s note: We recommend this suction vibrator that mimics the flutter of a tongue and the suction of a mouth.)
- “Get some inspiration. Maybe he feels nervous, shy or inexperienced. Why not address these feelings together to boost your partner’s confidence. Here is a variety of Lust Cinema Original movies and series, completely free! There are different sexualities and sexual preferences, so you can find one that works for both you and your partner to help you open up about what’s stopping him going down on you.” — Erika
- “It may be that he has issues around taste and smell (or thinks he does, so he’s just avoided it and doesn’t really know!). Some helpful things to try:
- “Use Lorals, a dam, or another strategy to cover the vulva with something that creates a more supportive, neutral experience.”
- “Put a bit of lube on the side that he is not licking to carry more of the sensation to your clit and vulva. I don’t recommend flavored lube inside the vagina, but on the clit and vulva to be licked off, definitely!” — Dr. Carol
- If they’re simply nervous about their skill, remind them that oral is a long game, and give them verbal feedback when something feels particularly good. — Nora
- “He may not know about the orgasm gap and the possibility that oral sex is way more likely to make you come—and may even be the only way. Certainly inform him of that in general and in your own experience, specifically. Would he be able to orgasm if he didn’t get direct penis stimulation? Because that is equivalent to skipping the direct clitoral stimulation that you get during oral. Well then.”— Dr. Carol
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