Hello again, dear friend Anonymous. Welcome back to our sex talk column where readers submit questions, and then we do our research and craft a story to answer. The topic of our latest submission: what to do if you’ve never had an orgasm.
If this is you, you’re very much not alone!
“As the founder of Runi, an intimate wellness company that celebrates pleasure as an essential component of human sexuality fundamental to overall health and wellbeing, I get questions about the elusive orgasm all. the. time. And it is nothing to be ashamed of,” says sex education expert Felicia Hershenhorn.
“Conditions like hypoactive sexual desire disorder, which affects your interest in sex, and anorgasmia, which relates to the inability to achieve orgasm despite having an interest in sex, are extremely prevalent and relatable concerns,” she adds.
“Sexual dysfunction is a widespread issue, affecting approximately 30% to 40% of women, with only 10% able to easily achieve climax during sex. Many women are unable to orgasm from penetration alone. Understanding this is the first step towards self-discovery and reaching your orgasmic potential.”
“If you’ve never had an orgasm, don’t worry. I got you covered—in more ways than one. I like to split my tips up into ‘universal truths’ and ‘pleasure pointers.’
“Although an orgasm is a completely subjective experience for each person, there are some universal truths and methods to keep in mind if you have trouble orgasming. The general ones include destress, relax, focus on foreplay, grab some toys, and invest in a lubricant that can amp up the sensations. Play Primer is an amazing option that can help enhance pleasure and arousal by increasing stimulation and vaginal wetness for bigger, better, and faster orgasms.
“It is also important to remember that your brain is your largest sex organ. If you find it hard to climax, retrain your brain to view orgasms differently. It does not need to feel or look a certain way. Let yourself play.
“Whether alone or with a partner(s), this is your time to explore and be curious. What excites you? Is there heat, coolness, or other sensations? Each time can be completely different. Then, communicate with yourself and your partner(s). If you find it difficult to talk with others, try saying, ‘I love it when you …,’ or, ‘It would really turn me on if you’d …” Pleasure is not predictable. So be mindful, rely on your own intuition, and connect with how you feel to inform your senses.
“Now when it comes to pleasure, I want you to say this loudly for the people in the back: it’s not all about rubbing your clitoris up and down! There is a whole world of stimulation waiting to be explored.”
Some pleasure pointers include:
“This is best done with a partner during oral sex. Instead of having your partner lick your clitoris up and down, ask your partner to lick lengthwise or side to side to stimulate the crura and bulbs (the arms and legs of the clitoris). This covers more surface area and allows people to hit the big-O in under five minutes.”
“This can be done alone or with a partner(s) and involves stimulating another area at the same time. For example, you can use a dildo to penetrate and stimulate the vaginal wall while also stimulating another erogenous zone like your nipples. Scientists have found that the genital sensory cortex, the same region impacted by stimulation of the vagina and clitoris, is activated through nipple play. So engaging the vagina and nipples simultaneously is a fun way to double the pleasure, baby.”
“Edging is likely my favorite tip because it leads to more bodily awareness. But can also help with stronger, longer, earth-shattering orgasms. It involves all the foreplay and buildup you normally experience on your way to the big moment. But right when you feel like you’re at your limit—maybe your breathing gets heavier and all your energy is focused on your genitals—you simply stop.
“This is called the PNR, or point of no return. Once you hit your PNR, let your body rest for 30 seconds to two minutes, and allow yourself to return to a normal state. Repeat this cycle a few times, and then when you finally feel like you can’t hold off from releasing anymore, get ready for unimaginable bliss.”
“This is a great position for some solo fun. To do this, sit on a chair without arms, open up your legs, and brace yourself by tucking your feet and ankles around the chair legs. Your arms should be free to touch yourself in any way that lights your fire. This position exposes many parts of your vulva, and when you feel like you’re about to orgasm, clenching your leg muscles around the chair legs can bring on stronger, newer and more intense sensations.
“Remember, the path to orgasm is unique for each individual. It’s not a one-size-fits-all journey. The pursuit of sexual pleasure should be an empowering and fulfilling experience. You deserve to experience the pleasures of your body to the fullest, and with the right approach, it’s entirely within your reach. Stay positive, stay curious, and keep exploring what makes your body, brain, and soul beg for more.”
You ask, we answer. Send your relationship questions to [email protected], and one of our experts may just answer them in an upcoming column.
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