Skip to main content
Close Close

Congratulations
You're on the list.

Make sure to check your spam folder so that our emails are always delivered into your inbox.
xo, Kourt
Give your inbox
and your life

the Poosh it needs.
By clicking SIGN UP, you agree to receive emails from Poosh and agree to our terms of use and privacy policy.
Free Shipping on All Domestic Orders.
  • HEALTH + WELLNESS
  • LIFE + STYLE
  • HOME + ENTERTAINING
  • KKB
Poosh
  • instagram pinterest facebook twitter youtube join newsletter
  • Shop
  • search
  • search
  • body
  • diy
  • fitness
  • Giving Back
  • health
  • mind
  • Relationships
  • Sexual Wellness
  • soul
Weird Dreams? These are the Most Common Culprits
Weird Dreams? These are the Most Common Culprits
What Is Shadow Work and How Do I Start It?
What Is Shadow Work and How Do I Start It?
What To Avoid When You’re Newly Dating Someone
What To Avoid When You’re Newly Dating Someone
3 Ways Bondage Can Bring You Closer Together
3 Ways Bondage Can Bring You Closer Together
5-Minute Wake-Up Pilates Routine
5-Minute Wake-Up Pilates Routine
These Are the Most Important Supplements for Brain Health
These Are the Most Important Supplements for Brain Health
  • Adulting
  • beauty
  • guides
  • Hacks
  • style
  • travel
You’re Giving Compliments Wrong
You’re Giving Compliments Wrong
How to get Naturally Plump Lips in Minutes
How to get Naturally Plump Lips in Minutes
We’re Loving Latte Makeup for Fall—Here are the 3 Must-Have Products You Need For It
We’re Loving Latte Makeup for Fall—Here are the 3 Must-Have Products You Need For It
How To Keep Your Tan After Summer, According to Jennifer Lopez’s Spray Tan Artist
How To Keep Your Tan After Summer, According to Jennifer Lopez’s Spray Tan Artist
Kendall’s Stylist Shares Her 5 Must-Know Fall Fashion Trends
Kendall’s Stylist Shares Her 5 Must-Know Fall Fashion Trends
The Body Cream That Transformed my Skin
The Body Cream That Transformed my Skin
  • decor
  • entertaining
  • kids
  • motherhood
  • Playlists
  • recipes
Apple Nachos Are the Perfect Fall Snack
Apple Nachos Are the Perfect Fall Snack
Stacey Bendet’s Ginger Tea Recipe 
Stacey Bendet’s Ginger Tea Recipe 
Chef K’s Vegan Churros with Vegan Chocolate Ganache
Chef K’s Vegan Churros with Vegan Chocolate Ganache
3 Minimal-Effort Recipes To Bring to a Labor Day Party
3 Minimal-Effort Recipes To Bring to a Labor Day Party
Kourt’s Favorite Egg Salad Salad
Kourt’s Favorite Egg Salad Salad
Chef K’s Mini Matcha Magpies
Chef K’s Mini Matcha Magpies
  • family
  • kourtney
Kourt’s New Weekly Tea Rotation During Her Pregnancy
Kourt’s New Weekly Tea Rotation During Her Pregnancy
Kourt’s First-Trimester Tips
Kourt’s First-Trimester Tips
5 Things To Know About Kourt’s New-ish Wellness Practice: Brain Mapping
5 Things To Know About Kourt’s New-ish Wellness Practice: Brain Mapping
Kourt’s Top Pregnancy Snacks
Kourt’s Top Pregnancy Snacks
Why Panchakarma is Kourt’s Holy Grail Detox
Why Panchakarma is Kourt’s Holy Grail Detox
How Last Weekend’s Gender Reveal Party Came Together in Less Than 48 Hours
How Last Weekend’s Gender Reveal Party Came Together in Less Than 48 Hours
What are you looking for?

Menu

  • Shop
  • HEALTH + WELLNESS
    • body
    • diy
    • fitness
    • Giving Back
    • health
    • mind
    • Relationships
    • Sexual Wellness
    • soul
  • HOME + ENTERTAINING
    • decor
    • entertaining
    • kids
    • motherhood
    • Playlists
    • recipes
  • KKB
    • family
    • kourtney
  • LIFE + STYLE
    • Adulting
    • beauty
    • guides
    • Hacks
    • style
    • travel
  • Newsletter
instagram pinterest facebook twitter youtube join newsletter
Sexual Wellness

SEX CONVOS: Compromising in the Bedroom

By Poosh
share on pinterest share on facebook share on twitter Share on Flipboard share by email
 Photo credit @oaknarrow
@oaknarrow

Hello again, dear friend Anonymous. Welcome back to our sex talk column where readers submit questions, then we do our research and craft a story to answer as many questions as we can. We tapped Dr. Kate Balestrieri—licensed psychologist, certified sex and PACT couples therapist, and founder of Modern Intimacy in Los Angeles, California—to provide her (s)expert knowledge on steamy topics (like how to teach yourself to squirt, everything you need to know about edging and rocking, if nipple orgasms are real, ways to increase your libido, sex stage fright, enjoying outercourse, and more). Today she’s taking the mic in our Ask Us Anything: The Sex Edition, to answer the latest submission. The topic? Compromising in the bedroom.  

How Can I Approach the Conversation About Giving and Receiving More with My Partner? 

“In every relationship, there is a balance constantly in play. The delicate dance of recognizing, acknowledging, and meeting each other’s needs reciprocally can frustrate even the happiest couple, because every couple consists of two unique people, whose wants and needs change. 

Not only can each of your needs change moment to moment, but they can often be in direct competition! You may want to cuddle after sex, and your partner may be too warm and want space. Neither of you is wrong, but effective compromise is key to making sure you both get enough of what you need from each other, so resentments are kept at bay. 

The same is true during sex. People have all kinds of different desires, fantasies, needs, fears, and limits in the bedroom. Healthy dialogue and collaborative negotiation can help you keep things hot and mutual, especially if you have a discrepancy in your desire or sexual interests.  

Once you recognize that there is an imbalance of give and take, or you’re looking to change things up, take care to set up the conversation for success. There are no guarantees for how a partner will respond because sex can be a loaded topic, but there are a few considerations that can help it go smoothly.

Pick the Best Time
Consider the demands of your lives and when you both are likely to be best equipped to have what could be a dimensional conversation. For example, it’s not generally advisable to start unpacking a layered topic during sex, as passions may be high, and emotions may be higher. If you know your partner is a morning person and does not like to have big conversations before bed, plan accordingly. Give yourselves the best foundation to be able to have a meaningful dialogue, when you are rested, fed, and ready to talk.

Use Constructive and Reassuring Language
You may feel frustrated if you’ve been feeling lopsided efforts in the bedroom, but having an empathic and non-shaming approach to asking for what you need can help take the sting out of letting your partner know you need something different or more. Emphasize what you like, or love, about your sex life, and how you’d like to experience more of that and/or try something new together. Instead of saying, “You don’t ___ enough,” say, “I love when you ___ and want more of that!” 

Be Clear on What You’re Asking For
Are you asking for more frequent sex? Different kinds of sexual play? New sex toys? More eye contact? To include porn? Whatever it is that you imagine will require compromise, get curious about what your desire means to you, and what it means to your partner. If you’re not sure what you want, you just know that you’d like something to change, you might consider using a Yes/No/Maybe list to get clarification on your sexual wants and boundaries together. 

Gauge Their Needs and Fears
Equally as important as asking for what you want is holding space for your partner to do the same. Let them know you are eager to learn more about how you can please them better too. If your partner is hesitant to try something new, or meet you halfway, in a nonjudgmental way, get curious with them about what holds them back. Are they scared, shy, feel insecure, or afraid it may change the relationship? Validate their concerns and try to see if there is willingness to move forward if their concerns are assuaged. 

Start Slowly
If one or both of you is nervous to try something new, find a way to inch closer to that activity by incrementally introducing more bite-sized activities. For example, if your partner wants to try BDSM, but you’re not sure you are interested, perhaps try being sexual the way you are typically, but introduce a collar or use a prop to softly caress each other’s skin, instead of inviting pain or dominance behavior. Starting small, and in a way designed to build a positive association to every behavior, can make the out-of-reach activity seem more feasible.

Engage in Aftercare
A good practice after any sexual experience is aftercare. During aftercare, partners nurture each other, hold space for big emotions, cuddle, eat, rest and/or debrief about the encounter. The practice of aftercare is generally thought of as a transition from a sexual experience back to a non-sexual way of relating with each other and is a good time to process what you both liked, did not like, or need in future sexual moments together. Making this a regular part of your sexual routine can help take the pressure off big conversations, as you begin to get used to giving each other nurturing and collaborative feedback. 

All these steps assume you have a partner willing to meet you in the middle. If your partner has made it clear that they are not interested in a compromise, respect their limits and boundaries. Working with a sex or couples therapist can help you unearth any underlying dynamics that may make it difficult for your partner to imagine taking sexual risks or putting forth more effort. Working together to address resentments, fears, or alternative options for sexual compromise can bring you closer together and help you move from stuck to solution.”

Shop our sex and love collection:

Shop Unscented Moisturizing Cream
Shop Dip Basic Vibrator
Shop Zee Bullet Vibrator
Shop Aer Suction Toy
Shop Pom Flexible Vibrator
Shop Com External Wand Vibrator
Shop Arc G-Spot Vibrator
Shop Eva Couples Vibrator
Shop Fin Finger Vibrator
Shop Let's Get Closer: Couples Edition
Shop Radiant Love Butter
Shop Biodegradable Intimate Wipes
Shop Refresh Daily Wash
Shop Revive Hydrating Mist
Shop Restore Mask
Shop MunkeyBarz Sex Belt
Shop Sydney Double Strand Pearl Thong & Atame - Black
Shop Sydney Double Strand Pearl Thong & Atame - Ivory
Shop Sydney Double Strand Pearl Thong & Atame - Red
Shop Sydney Double Strand Pearl Thong & Glove - Black
Shop Sydney Double Strand Pearl Thong & Glove - Red
Shop Sydney Double Strand Pearl Thong & Glove Set
Shop Sydney Double Strand Pearl Thong - Black
Shop Sydney Double Strand Pearl Thong - Ivory
Shop Sydney Double Strand Pearl Thong - Red
Shop Sydney Glove - Black
Shop Sydney Glove - Red
Shop Sydney Glove Set

Dr. Kate Balestrieri is a licensed psychologist, certified sex therapist, certified sex addiction therapist, PACT therapist, and founder of Modern Intimacy, a group practice in Los Angeles, Miami, and Chicago. Listen to her podcast, Modern Intimacy, and follow her on IG @drkatebalestrieri.

The content provided in this article is provided for information purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice and consultation, including professional medical advice and consultation; it is provided with the understanding that Poosh, LLC (“Poosh”) is not engaged in the provision or rendering of medical advice or services. The opinions and content included in the article are the views of the interviewee only, and Poosh does not endorse or recommend any such content or information, or any product or service mentioned in the article. You understand and agree that Poosh shall not be liable for any claim, loss, or damage arising out of the use of, or reliance upon any content or information in the article.

Up next, be the first to know our weekly content and sign up for our Poosh newsletter.

You may also like...

Go to article Try These Tweaks for Pain-Free Doggy Style
Sexual Wellness

Try These Tweaks for Pain-Free Doggy Style

Go to article Why Is Sex Painful for Some People?
Sexual Wellness

Why Is Sex Painful for Some People?

Related Articles

Goes to article This “Starter Vibrator” Will Make You Feel Like an Expert
Sexual Wellness

This “Starter Vibrator” Will Make You Feel Like an Expert

Goes to article Try These Tweaks for Pain-Free Doggy Style
Sexual Wellness

Try These Tweaks for Pain-Free Doggy Style

Goes to article It’s Time to Embrace Period Sex
Sexual Wellness

It’s Time to Embrace Period Sex

Goes to article How To Teach Your Partner What To Do in Bed Without Hurting Their Ego
Sexual Wellness

How To Teach Your Partner What To Do in Bed Without Hurting Their Ego

Goes to article Orgasm Your Way to Self-Enlightenment
Sexual Wellness

Orgasm Your Way to Self-Enlightenment

Goes to article 5 Unique Masturbation Tips and Tricks
Sexual Wellness

5 Unique Masturbation Tips and Tricks

Goes to article This Synchronized Technique Could Be the Key to More Orgasms
Sexual Wellness

This Synchronized Technique Could Be the Key to More Orgasms

Goes to article Why Is Sex Painful for Some People?
Sexual Wellness

Why Is Sex Painful for Some People?

  • About
  • Contact
  • Terms & Conditions
  • Privacy Policy
  • Cookie Policy
  • California Privacy Rights
  • Affiliate Disclosure
  • Accessibility

Keep in Touch

instagram pinterest facebook twitter youtube join newsletter
Reviewed by Allyant for Accessibility
  • © poosh, llc
    All Rights Reserved