It’s almost impossible to escape the terms “boundaries” and “ultimatums” on social media (and even Netflix dating shows).
Although these buzzwords are essential knowledge for any healthy adult relationship, they are often (incorrectly) used interchangeably and rarely defined properly. Terri Cole, a licensed psychotherapist and author of Boundary Boss, explains how these concepts are different.
According to Terri, boundaries are generally considered healthy and necessary. They help maintain self-respect and integrity by promoting understanding and mutual respect. Ultimatums are more often interpreted as coercive or controlling because they only give the recipient an either-or choice that can feel threatening or manipulative.
She goes into more detail below.
Terri advises people to think of boundaries as their personal rules of engagement. “They are rules, limits, or guidelines you set in order to let others know what is okay and not okay with you,” she says. For one to set boundaries, one must first define their boundaries.
But how?
Terri suggests sitting down with yourself to determine your preferences, desires, limits, and deal breakers. Once you’ve defined your boundaries, there’s another essential step to the process—“having the ability to communicate them when you so choose.”
It’s important not to start with an ultimatum. It should be seen as a Hail Mary in an attempt to solve a problem or issue. Terri says, “Usually, an ultimatum is the last request in a long line of requests for changed behavior. It emphatically states that if the person doesn’t comply, the relationship will change dramatically or end.”
When it comes to boundaries vs. ultimatums, Terri wants people to know that it’s not only what you say, but how you say it. “The wording, tone, and context all play a role in how the statement is received and interpreted, whether as a boundary or ultimatum,” she explains.
As mentioned earlier, ultimatums shouldn’t be issued carelessly, but Terri says they are appropriate under certain circumstances. When your expressed boundaries have been repeatedly ignored or violated, or when a specific and non-negotiable need must be met for the relationship to continue, she advises using an ultimatum to stand your ground.
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