Here at Poosh, we love love. And today, with the help of relationship coach, therapist, and author Gloria Zhang, we’re going to tackle a tricky topic in the world of romance—the age gap.
“Ah, the age gap! Although it’s true that age is ‘just a number’ when it comes to love, age gaps can also come with their own closet of unique challenges,” Gloria says.
“The main hurdles couples usually encounter when bridging the age gap revolve around differences in life experiences, perspectives, and expectations about relationship roles,” Gloria says. “Picture this: One partner diving into the deep end of their career, while the other lounges in the pool of retirement plans. One person might be fantasizing about what parenthood will be like, while the other just celebrated their third grandbaby.”
And, ofc, we’ve got to address the giant yacht in the room. “The most common issue is dealing with scrutiny or judgment from the people around you,” Gloria says.
Below, she talks more about these challenges and shares advice on how to handle them.
The issue: The older partner may find themselves falling into a “parent” role.
This is in part because “they generally have more life experience and financial power,“ Gloria says. “As the rose-colored glasses come off, the younger partner’s demeanors may become more glaringly childlike.”
The advice: “What’s most important is being honest about expectations on how your age differences will impact the relationship,” Gloria says.
“For example, it may be unreasonable to expect a 24-year-old to have a generous life savings account that covers their share of a house down payment. So, would you prefer to go 50/50 for expenses? Or does the older person enjoy the experience of financially supporting or spoiling their partner? These are expectations and conversations that need to take place to avoid any resentment or misunderstanding,” she says.
And specifically for the older woman in the relationship, she adds that it’s helpful to “reflect on what kind of gender roles you are used to in the past. Have your past partners typically been providers? Are you comfortable being the more experienced person? Sometimes we don’t know how we really feel about a dynamic until we experience it.”
The issue: The younger partner may begin to feel inadequate, disempowered, or dependent.
“The most common issue is after initially being attracted to your partner’s maturity, that spark slowly fades into a weird ‘parent-child’ dynamic of resentment and inadequacy,” Gloria says. “This happens when the younger person starts to feel more like a kid than a lover.”
The advice: “While the maturity of your partner may be very attractive to you, you’ll want to ask yourself if you are truly prepared to navigate any power dynamic issues in the relationship,” Gloria says. “For example, reflect on these questions:
- How will we split dinner bills?
- Do I want to be treated as an equal adult in this relationship?
- Do I feel secure about myself when compared to my partner’s life experiences?
“Speaking to a therapist or attending couples counseling can help,” she says.
The issue: One person wants kids and the other doesn’t.
“The second most common issue [for the younger partner] has to do with wanting to have children but realizing that their partner is at a completely different stage of life,” Gloria says.
The advice: “When it comes to the issue of having children, it’s important to be direct and honest about whether you want kids or not,” she says. “Nothing good ever comes from hiding your core values and getting disappointed after investing time in the relationship.”
The issue: People are judgmental.
“Couples with a large age gap will most likely experience judgment from others, due to societal stereotypes, as with any folks who dare to color outside the lines.” Gloria says. “Older people are criticized for chasing beauty and youth, and younger people are assumed to be dating for money,” she adds.
The advice: “It can feel hurtful to be misunderstood,” she says. “However, you must remember that staying true to yourselves as a couple is what matters most in the end. Don’t let nasty words dim your light or your flame.
“And if you want to get technical, there’s also nothing wrong with dating for money, fun, or beauty either, as long as both adults are consenting to the relationship,” she adds. “Relationship types are just as diverse as the humans inside them.” She just advises that “being upfront and honest about your intentions is the best way to date safely.
“When all’s said and done,” Gloria says, “the truth is that we can’t control when and how love happens. At the end of the day, everyone should date for their own reasons and not for the sake of living up to societal standards.”
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