Claire Byrne, aka The Heartbreak Coach, answers a Poosh reader who is worried about a friend who is isolating herself with her new situationship.
One of my closest friends is in the thick of an unhealthy situationship that I can spot from miles away now that I’m on the other side of similar scenarios (and am thankfully married to a wonderful, available partner).
But I’m unclear on how to support her. She has completely dropped off the face of the earth in the last two weeks, now that her crush is freshly out of a five-year relationship and he immediately moved to where my best friend lives. And they work together!
The worst part is that he made it very clear that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship.
She claims she is OK with it, but I know she’s isolating and only giving her all to him.
It’s causing me a lot of anger and frustration, as I’ve reached out to check in with zero response while I know she’s communicating with her sister.
The latter is strange to me because everything has been completely fine between us.
I’d love to know how to detach from this when I know it’s not my issue, but it’s so hard when I’ve been through it and see all of it so very clearly.
First, I want to honor your caring heart while also recognizing that this isn’t directly your issue.
I relate to finding it very hard to detach from watching loved ones sign up for what you clearly see is a disaster waiting to happen.
However, I’ve also been in your best friend’s shoes, going through a disaster I couldn’t see, and when concerned loved ones wanted to warn me, I was not interested.
Of course, she’s ignoring your messages, right?
She is on a dopamine/serotonin/oxytocin cocktail high, and her bestie who happens to be in her own ideal relationship, is not going to ruin it for her! She clearly doesn’t want to hear it from you right now, even if you have the best of intentions, which I believe you do.
So, here are three things you can do to help yourself stay clear with as much peace about the situation as possible.
- Hit pause on trying to reach out. You’ve legitimately tried. She knows where you are. Just like I assume you learned on your own dating journey that you don’t want to be chasing after anyone who is blatantly ignoring you, the same move can be applied to your friend, even if you know she’s self-sabotaging. Your work here is done.
- Ask yourself, Who would I be without this thought? I love this thought-inquiry question created by Byron Katie. It’s a beautiful thing that you care so much about your friend’s well-being. But to your own point, this is not your issue. Where else could you be putting focus in your own life? Is there a goal or a project on your to-do list that you’ve been avoiding?
I understand that you’re in your ideal relationship, but is there another area of healing in your life that needs to be looked at? Where might you be self-sabotaging, if anywhere?
Please know this isn’t me pointing the finger at you, but I’m always curious what else might be going on when we’re deeply triggered by someone who’s behaving in ways that technically have nothing to do with us.
Yes, it’s because we love them but what else could be underneath that? Investigating this question isn’t a way to suggest that you cover your concern, but I see this question as an invitation to ensure that we stay in our own lane, especially when it’s clear the person we want to help isn’t interested.
Get clear on how you want to respond when you do hear from her. Given that you are so close, my assumption is that you will hear from your best friend at some point. It couldn’t hurt to have an idea of how you’d like to show up (if at all), especially if your greatest fear of her getting hurt comes true.
It isn’t for me to decide how you should proceed if she does come back to you in a thousand pieces, but here are a couple of options:
- You could say nothing and show up and be there for her.
- You could say your feelings were hurt and still be there for her.
- You could say, “You pushed me away and ignored my reach outs, and now you want to talk and have me be there for you? Sorry, but it’s a no for me.”
After you have done your own inner inquiry (Step 2), I think the conclusion you come to on how to proceed will be much clearer.
Here’s the last thing I’d like to offer you, as a heartbreak coach who has experienced seven gut-wrenching heartbreaks where I often ignored the writing on the wall: I’m so glad I didn’t listen to all the people who warned me to not proceed with the questionable dudes I dated.
Heartbreak has been the best and most painful lesson for me to heal in this lifetime. I needed to go through it in order to heal trauma and wounds I never would have addressed without those experiences.
Again, I know it’s hard to watch. But as cliché as it sounds, I truly believe that everything unfolds the way it’s supposed to. You still get to be a loving friend who may need to implement some firm boundaries if this happens in the future, but I invite you to energetically take your hands off the wheel and entertain the idea that perhaps one day, this potential heartbreak could be exactly what she needs for her own personal growth journey.
I hope this helps and would love to hear from you if you do indeed decide to take this advice!
Love,
Claire
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