As the saying goes, men will literally do [insert random activity here] instead of going to therapy or confronting a relationship problem.
Obviously, this is hyperbole—sort of.
When it comes to relationships, most men will do anything to avoid confrontation. They’d rather sweep relationship problems under the rug and run for the hills at the first hint their partner is gearing up for a confrontation. Some men are so afraid of confrontation they’d rather stay in a relationship that isn’t working than discuss its issues head-on.
But why?
Mark Groves, a human connection specialist, consultant, speaker, and coach shares his insights on why men are afraid of conflict and sometimes choose to stay in a disconnected or bad relationship instead of confronting their partner or breaking up.
Surprise! Mark wants to dispel a misconception. “Fear of confrontation is not necessarily a male trait,” he says. So why is fear of confrontation mainly associated with men? “This is due to a plethora of reasons like gender norms, socialization, and cultural expectations,” he shares. Mark also prefers the term “avoidant” to “afraid” when it comes to men and conflict.
Mark adds that the social environment is partially why men avoid confrontation. “From an early age, men are taught to be stoic, tough, and independent. They’re encouraged to be assertive, competitive, and to avoid vulnerability and emotions,” he explains. “What the world tells men they shouldn’t have—emotion—is the very thing their relationships require of them. To step towards emotional awareness and communication would require the abandonment of the definition we’ve given men so that they feel valued.”
When a relationship has gone sour and isn’t working, most men will still avoid confrontation, whether it’s an attempt to repair or end the relationship. While most people interpret this to mean a man doesn’t care about the relationship or is devoid of feelings, the reality is usually the opposite. “Men tend to have a harder time facing their inadequacies in relationships,” he says. “The greatest fear we have is letting our partner down, so facing the truth that that is what’s happening can sometimes be too much.”
Ultimately Mark believes this fear or avoidance comes down to the fact that men generally aren’t equipped with the tools to navigate confrontation successfully and sometimes internalize the presence of conflict as an inadequacy within themselves.
“We don’t know that receiving feedback about how we can show up in a relationship doesn’t mean we’re a failure, but rather that we’re human,” he explains. “Most of us, regardless of our gender, don’t see our relationships and the challenges we have as showing us how we can grow.”
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