Sex is the bridge between your emotional and physical connection with your partner, and when it goes wrong, it can feel like your relationship is a failure. It’s no secret that an unhealthy sex life can strain a couple, and a healthy sex life makes both parties happier.
The truth is that many couples aren’t sexually incompatible at first. It takes time and effort to overcome, but it isn’t hopeless. Even couples with different interests, body types, or orgasm barriers can find common ground.
There’s nothing people are more scared to talk about than sex, but your sex life won’t improve unless you take the leap and have a few awkward conversations. You have to be honest about what you love, hate, and need in the bedroom.
This means being open about your sexual interests (kinks, fetishes, porn, etc.) and exploring new fantasies. It’s okay if you don’t know exactly what you like. Part of building compatibility is discovering new turn-ons together. Many couples try watching porn, using toys, or professional counseling.
You can also set goals for sexual frequency. It’s easy to avoid bad sex, but that won’t help your relationship. (In fact, it usually makes things worse.) A healthy goal for sex is once per week. This is not intended to pressure either of you into sex. Rather, it’s a commitment to work on sex together.
Pick a day and time when you both feel relaxed and rested—not a weeknight after a busy workday. Talk about what you want to work on before you get started. Do you want to work on foreplay? Penetration? Clitoral stimulation? Choking? Different positions? Setting the tone helps you both get in the right headspace.
Communicate during sex as well. If you like how something feels, say so! If it’s not doing anything for you, let them know. It might feel like the world’s weirdest science experiment at first, but over time you’ll get better at pleasuring each other.
In a month or so, you should find that sex with your partner is better than it was. In most cases, it’s possible to become more compatible with your partner over time.
In other cases, you might have tried everything but still can’t get a rhythm with your partner. There’s no shame in that. If you truly love the person you’re with but don’t love sleeping with them, there are other options. Some people have open relationships, so they can meet their sexual needs with different people. Others use sex toys to pleasure themselves in ways their partner can’t.
For most of us, sexual compatibility takes communication and time. It’s not your or your partner’s fault if things feel off, but the sex won’t improve unless you try.
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