Tips from Boundary Boss—The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free by Psychotherapist Terri Cole.
1. You have the right to say no (or yes) to others without feeling guilty.
There are many reasons why we say yes when we want to say no. We might be worried about rejection or what others will think of us. If we are conflict avoidant, it might feel easier to “go along to get along,” but in the long run, denying your truth is a one-way ticket to bitter town.
2. You have the right to make mistakes, to course correct, or change your mind.
Many of us feel once we make a decision, whether it’s in a relationship, our careers, or something as simple as saying yes to walking our neighbor’s dog on our lunch break, we’ve got to stick with it forever. You have the right to change your mind. Every choice doesn’t have to be a life sentence.
3. You have the right to negotiate for your preferences, desires, and needs.
You are the only one who knows what your unique preferences, desires, and needs are, and you are the only one who can negotiate for them. When we don’t share what we want and need, the people in our lives don’t know who we are. Many of us were taught to be “easy-going” and not to be “difficult.” The truth is, sharing a preference isn’t being difficult. It is allowing people to truly know us.
4. You have the right to express and honor all of your feelings if you so choose.
Being fully expressed is part of being a Boundary Boss, but it also means you get to choose what you share, when you share, and with whom. You are not obligated to share or confess all of your feelings to everyone. You have the right to be discerning.
5. You have the right to voice your opinion, even if others disagree.
If you’re a peacekeeper or a people-pleaser, it can be difficult for you to share your opinion if others disagree. Again, discernment comes in here. Just because you have the right to, that doesn’t mean you have to share all of your opinions with someone who’s aggressive or abusive. You have the right to talk true when it’s right for you.
6. You have the right to be treated with respect, consideration, and care.
The way others treat you all starts with your relationship with yourself. You set the bar! When you hold yourself in high regard and prioritize yourself, others will follow your lead. If you’re overworking, over-functioning and overgiving, chances are you will attract people who will expect you to keep doing that. Begin treating yourself with the respect, consideration, and care you deserve, and set that bar HIGH, baby.
7. You have the right to determine who has the privilege of being in your life.
Imagine your life as a VIP section, and you are the only person with the guest list. You get to decide who gets the privilege of your company, your time, and your energy. If you don’t learn how to be the bouncer in your VIP section, you might find yourself endlessly twisting yourself into a pretzel and inconveniencing yourself for anyone who wanders past the velvet rope and plops themself down. Not everyone deserves a 24-hour backstage pass to your amazing life. YOU get to make the choice.
8. You have the right to communicate your boundaries, limits, and deal-breakers.
Again, only you know what’s right for you with respect to these things. What is and what isn’t ok with you? What are your non-negotiables? Getting clear around your limits and needs is the first step to asserting yourself and communicating your boundaries in a healthy way. And it is totally doable.
9. You have the right to prioritize your self-care without feeling selfish.
There are many myths and limiting beliefs around self-care. Many of us have been taught we should prioritize everyone else and put ourselves last. But when our self-care isn’t solid, we can end up feeling depleted, exhausted, angry, and resentful. The reality is, taking impeccable care of ourselves is the foundation for success in our relationships, our careers, and our entire lives. When we prioritize our self-care, we are at our best and give from a place of love and abundance rather than one of lack.
10. You have the right to talk true, be seen, and live free.
What I teach inside Boundary Boss is a process for lasting transformation. When you learn this life-changing skill set, speaking up with ease and grace, asserting your truth, and expressing your feelings and preferences become your new normal.
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