In this modern era of dating apps, finding someone to go out with has never been easier. It’s as simple as swiping right or left on the seemingly endless options at our fingertips. While an abundance mindset is usually a good thing in dating, in this instance, it can lead to an unhealthy pattern known as detached dating.
And worst of all, you might not even be aware you’re doing it.
Detached dating is dating without the emotional investment, aka spending time with someone without ever truly connecting on a deeper level. Although the plethora of options seems to be the cause, this phenomenon is actually more complex.
Vienna Pharaon, a Marriage and Family Therapist, helps us diagnose and heal from detached dating.
Vienna shares that the biggest cause of detached dating is a person’s past attachment injuries. “If someone believes that they’re just going to get hurt, rejected, disappointed, or betrayed, they might pull away from the concept of creating healthy attachment in relationships,” she says.
What are the consequences of detached dating?
This behavior may seem innocuous, but it’s not. And the person you’re hurting is yourself. Vienna explains that “it prioritizes safety and protection over connection,” adding that with protection, “you can’t create the type of connection, intimacy, and deep knowing that’s needed for true security.”
Signs you're detached in dating:
1. You feel a wall is up.
2. You won’t let people get too close to you.
3. You keep things casual or date multiple people at a time, using that as a way to avoid attachment.
Tips for healing from detached dating:
Vienna explains healing can begin by exploring past attachment injuries and wounds that are unresolved. Doing this allows you to “move through dating and relationships differently, with the belief that deep connection and attachment with another is a safe, trustworthy, expansive, and healing place.”
She advises doing this by focusing on the relationship with yourself first. Become more in tune with your inner world and create intimacy within yourself.
You can start by asking yourself the answers to fill-in-the-blank statements like these:
1. My greatest fear is_______.
2. The most disappointment I’ve ever felt in my life is________.
3. The last time I experienced joy was_______.
4. My favorite trip I ever took was______ because _______.
5. One thing that I wish people asked me more is________.
*If you’re interested in learning more, check out Vienna’s book The Origins of You. It’s an incredible resource that helps people connect to and heal unresolved past issues.
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