You’ve made it past dates two, three, or four.
Maybe it’s already been a couple of months, and for once, you feel like this person is really promising. The chemistry is there, you crack each other up, you’re both passionate about what you do, you appreciate each other’s thought-provoking questions, and it seems like you both are looking for the same thing.
But when you’re apart, it feels like mostly crickets. And when you do touch base in between dates, they seem a little distant, leaving you confused and wanting more.
Are they not interested, or are they just bad at texting?
When the relationship is relatively new, it’s hard to tell, so here are some suggested guidelines for navigating this tricky territory, given that you don’t want to scare the person off. But you also don’t want to be a doormat for someone who only pops up when they feel like it.
1) Keep in mind that they might be in a different place than you.
Just because you’ve had a few great dates, that doesn’t mean this person is looking to go at the exact same pace or go all in just yet. They may want to take things slowly because they just got out of a relationship, or they could legitimately be busy at work or have kids. And as much as you might not want to think about it, you must remember that, given it’s so early, they may also be (rightfully) seeing other people.
That said, it’s OK to have a high, yet reasonable, standard regarding the kind of communication cadence you prefer when newly dating someone. So …
2) Get clear on what you feel is a healthy amount of communication when you’re getting to know someone romantically.
It’s different for everyone, but here’s what I loosely suggest. My assumption (and recommendation) is that you go at a steady, healthy pace of no more than one to two dates a week. And if so, I recommend reaching out once a day, outside of the days you’re together.
It’s just not that hard for someone to say “hello” and show they’re thinking of you if they’re genuinely interested.
3) Let things play out before jumping to conclusions.
One reach out a day would be lovely, but if you don’t hear from your new love interest for a day or two, don’t assume this means they aren’t interested. Part of navigating your finding-love journey is learning to be patient with the unknown (as challenging as this can be) and letting some time go by to see how the person does or doesn’t show up.
4) Get clear on your standards for the quality of reach outs, not just quantity.
Are they giving short, one-word answers? Not asking how your week is going? It could just be that they’re simply not great texters, but it’s OK to want someone you’re newly dating to put in a little more effort in between dates.
I’m very careful to present this suggestion, as I want you to consider the four steps above and not automatically jump to conclusions. But if after four to five consistent dates they’re still giving you absentee vibes, find an organic moment on the next date to say something along these lines:
“So, are you just not that into texting? We seem to really hit it off when we’re together, but when we’re apart, the energy feels a little different.”
This approach should not be delivered in a needy or judge-y manner!
If the time you spend together is so great, then asking about their texting style should come from a place of light, genuine curiosity.
Of course, it feels a little vulnerable when directly addressing an issue that has you questioning someone’s level of interest. But if they are meant to be your person, they’ll appreciate you showing that you care. And in this case, they will hopefully get candid about what exactly is behind their texting style.
The bottom line is that, unfortunately, there’s no exact formula that accurately determines someone’s level of interest based on the quantity or quality of text messages, especially when they’re consistently showing up in person with great presence, affection, and care.
Be willing to let the flame burn a little longer, trust your gut, and be brave enough to know when it’s time to say something or when it’s time to throw in the towel.
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