Skip to main content
Close Close

Congratulations
You're on the list.

Make sure to check your spam folder so that our emails are always delivered into your inbox.
xo, Kourt
Give your inbox
and your life

the Poosh it needs.
By clicking SIGN UP, you agree to receive emails from Poosh and agree to our terms of use and privacy policy.
Free Shipping on All Domestic Orders.
  • HEALTH + WELLNESS
  • LIFE + STYLE
  • HOME + ENTERTAINING
  • KKB
Poosh
  • instagram pinterest facebook twitter youtube join newsletter
  • Shop
  • search
  • search
  • body
  • diy
  • fitness
  • Giving Back
  • health
  • mind
  • Relationships
  • Sexual Wellness
  • soul
Are You a Lowercase Girl? 
Are You a Lowercase Girl? 
I Tried an Oral Salt Rinse for a Month, and I Can’t Believe I Didn’t Start Doing It Sooner
I Tried an Oral Salt Rinse for a Month, and I Can’t Believe I Didn’t Start Doing It Sooner
Is It Time to Block Them?
Is It Time to Block Them?
Lymphatic Drainage 101
Lymphatic Drainage 101
Want to Improve Your Relationship? Doing This One Thing Is Key
Want to Improve Your Relationship? Doing This One Thing Is Key
Best of Poosh: Abs Workouts 
Best of Poosh: Abs Workouts 
  • Adulting
  • beauty
  • guides
  • Hacks
  • style
  • travel
12 Days of Pooshmas: Our 2023 Holiday Mailer is Here
12 Days of Pooshmas: Our 2023 Holiday Mailer is Here
The Best Coats For Every Budget
The Best Coats For Every Budget
Poosh Picks: Black Friday and Cyber Monday 
Poosh Picks: Black Friday and Cyber Monday 
The Diamond Ring That Doesn’t Break the Bank
The Diamond Ring That Doesn’t Break the Bank
High-Maintenance Hacks To Be Low-Maintenance in Your Daily Life
High-Maintenance Hacks To Be Low-Maintenance in Your Daily Life
Dani Michelle’s New Jewelry Brand Does the Styling for You
Dani Michelle’s New Jewelry Brand Does the Styling for You
  • decor
  • entertaining
  • kids
  • motherhood
  • Playlists
  • recipes
Kourt’s Gluten-Free Nachos
Kourt’s Gluten-Free Nachos
Kris Jenner’s Grandmother’s Marshmallow-Stuffed Sweet Potatoes
Kris Jenner’s Grandmother’s Marshmallow-Stuffed Sweet Potatoes
Your Keto Substitute for Mashed Potatoes
Your Keto Substitute for Mashed Potatoes
At-Home Date-Night Essentials
At-Home Date-Night Essentials
Khloé Kardashian’s Favorite Thanksgiving Dessert
Khloé Kardashian’s Favorite Thanksgiving Dessert
Lavender Whipped Cream with Berries
Lavender Whipped Cream with Berries
  • family
  • kourtney
Khloé Kardashian’s Favorite Thanksgiving Dessert
Khloé Kardashian’s Favorite Thanksgiving Dessert
Kourt’s Baby Registry
Kourt’s Baby Registry
BTS: Kourt’s Vintage Disneyland Baby Shower
BTS: Kourt’s Vintage Disneyland Baby Shower
Kourt’s New Weekly Tea Rotation During her Pregnancy
Kourt’s New Weekly Tea Rotation During her Pregnancy
Kourt’s First-Trimester Tips
Kourt’s First-Trimester Tips
5 Things To Know About Kourt’s New-ish Wellness Practice: Brain Mapping
5 Things To Know About Kourt’s New-ish Wellness Practice: Brain Mapping
What are you looking for?

Menu

  • Shop
  • HEALTH + WELLNESS
    • body
    • diy
    • fitness
    • Giving Back
    • health
    • mind
    • Relationships
    • Sexual Wellness
    • soul
  • HOME + ENTERTAINING
    • decor
    • entertaining
    • kids
    • motherhood
    • Playlists
    • recipes
  • KKB
    • family
    • kourtney
  • LIFE + STYLE
    • Adulting
    • beauty
    • guides
    • Hacks
    • style
    • travel
  • Newsletter
instagram pinterest facebook twitter youtube join newsletter
Relationships

HOW TO FIGHT FAIR in an Argument

By Poosh
share on pinterest share on facebook share on twitter Share on Flipboard share by email
 Photo credit @boipoppin
@boipoppin

You know when you’re arguing with your SO about, say, the dirty dishes in the sink … and then suddenly, you find yourself spouting a whole dissertation on all the (perceived) slights that have ever been made in the relationship to prove your point?

Or, you know, something less specific. But you get the gist. Handling conflict in a healthy way is hard sometimes.

“When you’re upset, it’s hard to stay grounded, but it’s so important you do your best to fight in a way that can move you and the other person forward, not backward,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Vienna Pharaon, national best-selling author of The Origins of You. “Conflict is an opportunity to bring you closer to one another. It’s an opportunity to create deeper connection, understanding, and intimacy if you can sidestep the same old patterns that leave you disconnected and in pain.”

Since this can be easier said than done, we asked Vienna to share some tips for fighting fair in an argument.

Recognizing behaviors is a good place to start. According to Vienna, when people don’t fight fair—intentionally or unintentionally—it often looks like:

  • They go on the attack.
  • They focus on proving their point.
  • They get into a power struggle with each other.
  • They try to win the argument.
  • They use absolutes.

“On the other hand, fighting fairly means that you honor and share your experience while also trying to hold space for theirs,” Vienna explains. “It means you focus on yourself and your part instead of pointing out all the things the other person did wrong. It means you’re aware of how this moment feels similar to historical moments in your life, and you share that from a vulnerable place instead of just going off on the other person.

“At the end of the day, constructive conflict leads you to a place where you learn something about yourself and the other person.”

So how do we go about doing that? Vienna shares five tips:

1. Talk about conflict when you’re not actually in conflict.

When you’re in it, it’s very hard to change things when you haven’t talked about them or made a plan for yourself or the relationship. What are the dos and don’ts? What’s off limits? What commitments do you want to make for yourself?

2. Name where things tend to start to fall apart with one another.

Where do the wheels fall off? Acknowledge what you do that is disconnective. What is it that makes you feel defensive, makes you want to shut down, makes you want to win? Are there things you can notice and share with your partner?

3. Explore together what feels familiar about your conflict.

Does it remind you of the conflict in your home when you grew up? Past partners?  What about it feels similar? Can you share this with one another?

4. Understand what you do to try to protect yourself in conflict.

This perspective can often offer compassion for yourself and for the other person. Do you shut down as a way of protecting yourself? Do you need to be right because being wrong in your family meant you were ridiculed or criticized? Do you over explain and defend yourself because hearing that you hurt someone or let them down creates intense shame? Connect with this and share this with your partner.

5. Look for moments in conflict where you can disrupt the pattern.

Focus on ways you can replace disconnection with connection. Be willing to hit the reset button. Be willing to ask for a re-do.”

Vienna says, “Conflict often becomes a race to being right, proving your point, or defending your position. This is a losing battle. The goal should be racing to hear the other person, racing to understand their experience without invalidating your own. It’s not an easy shift, but a powerful one. How quickly can I hear you? How quickly can I acknowledge you? How quickly can I see your pain? Imagine what could shift then?”

Vienna Pharaon is the founder of Mindful Marriage and Family Therapy and is one of the most sought-after licensed therapists in New York City. She has a way of leading people back home, connecting deeply to their needs, and helping people connect to their voice in order to create the change they wish to see in themselves and their relationships. She is the relationship expert for Motherly, has over 400K followers on Instagram, and has been featured in The Economist, Fatherly, The New York Post, and Vogue.

Shop our relationships collection:

Shop Radiant Love Butter
Shop MunkeyBarz Sex Belt
Shop Eva Couples Vibrator
Shop Let's Get Closer: Couples Edition
Shop Kourtney x Barker Wellness Calm Magnesium Bath Flakes
Shop Fin Finger Vibrator
Shop Kourtney x Barker Wellness Rejuvenate Magnesium Bath Flakes
Shop Weighted Blanket
Shop Gratitude Journal
Shop Let's Get Closer
Shop Calming Body Oil

Up next, be the first to know our weekly content and sign up for our Poosh newsletter.

You may also like...

Go to article Why Are Situationships Sometimes Harder to Get Over Than Relationships? 
Relationships

Why Are Situationships Sometimes Harder to Get Over Than Relationships? 

Go to article Do Opposites Really Attract?
Relationships

Do Opposites Really Attract?

Related Articles

Goes to article Is It Time to Block Them?
Relationships

Is It Time to Block Them?

Goes to article Want to Improve Your Relationship? Doing This One Thing Is Key
Relationships

Want to Improve Your Relationship? Doing This One Thing Is Key

Goes to article Are Hand Jobs Back? 
Sexual Wellness

Are Hand Jobs Back? 

Goes to article 5 Signs You Could Be in a Delusionship
Relationships

5 Signs You Could Be in a Delusionship

Goes to article At-Home Date-Night Essentials
Relationships

At-Home Date-Night Essentials

Goes to article Why Are All the Dudes Into Non-Monogamy?
Relationships

Why Are All the Dudes Into Non-Monogamy?

Goes to article Do You Share Your Location With Your S.O.?
Relationships

Do You Share Your Location With Your S.O.?

Goes to article Do you Share Your Toothbrush with Your S.O.?
Relationships

Do you Share Your Toothbrush with Your S.O.?

  • About
  • Contact
  • Terms & Conditions
  • Privacy Policy
  • Cookie Policy
  • California Privacy Rights
  • Affiliate Disclosure
  • Accessibility

Keep in Touch

instagram pinterest facebook twitter youtube join newsletter
Reviewed by Allyant for Accessibility
  • © poosh, llc
    All Rights Reserved