I get it.
The options on the apps *typically* aren’t great.
The ones you’re interested in never seem interested in you.
You’ve got trust issues because of that ex who duped you, and you just don’t have it in you to open yourself up to the pain and heartache you’re finally on the other side of …
But what’s your deeper truth?
My guess is, if you clicked to read this article, you really DO want true love …
You just don’t want to take on the messiness, confusion, and crushed hopes that inevitably pop up when it comes to the process of looking for your person.
So how do you solve for dreading dating, so much so that you never find yourself saying (again), “I’m gonna need to take a break!”?
Editor’s note: Although this article uses male pronouns, the advice applies to all sexual orientations and gender identities.
1. Create closure on all past relationships.
Even if you aren’t currently heartbroken over a previous relationship, there’s probably some unresolved story you’re carrying from the past, which you’re projecting onto your present dating life. Creating closure isn’t the same as forgiving an ex or asking him for one more conversation so that you can move on. Closure is something that you can create for yourself by asking questions like, how did this relationship serve me? What was MY lesson, even if he was the one who exhibited despicable behavior? Do some deep inquiry to the point that you feel genuine peace, acceptance, and clarity on how the relationship unfolded, on both sides.
2. Reconnect with your desire to find love.
You might think this is obvious—of course, you want to find love! But that desire easily gets muddied by your fears and expectations that dating will be hard and painful. Think about something else that you desired to achieve and/or create, and all the obstacles you were willing to move through until you got to that end result. My guess is that you were so committed because of your DESIRE for the outcome. The same applies to love. If you’re connected to your desire to find your person every day, you won’t let the frustrating aspects of dating hold you back. Which leads me to …
3. Get over your resistance to the apps.
I too have seen it all, heard it all, and been triggered by it all, but your focus on what ISN’T working on the apps is something only you can change, and I highly recommend that you do just that. The most mainstream approach to finding love right now is the dating apps. That said, there will always be a bunch of lame people on there, but they are NOT your problem. They’re only your problem if you make it your problem. And if you feel any shame about saying, “We met on Bumble,” just know that this is preventing you from potentially finding someone fabulous, because, hey, I met the love of my life on Bumble and I couldn’t shout more loudly and proudly about it! The HOW doesn’t matter. The WHO does. And when you’re so committed to step two, the common gripes and judgments about the apps just won’t be a thing … even if you end up finding him elsewhere.
4. Don’t let five shitty dates mean you won’t find him.
Even if the five shitty dates were created from the dating apps. New clients often like to tell me, “I’ve dated a TON and I still haven’t found him.” What exactly is a TON? Hint: It’s NEVER even CLOSE to a ton. If you look at the actual math of the number of people you’ve dated and/or dates you’ve been on, it will usually reveal that this has nothing to do with the possibility of you finding your person. A handful of crappy dates is nothing. Neither is 10. And if you find yourself perplexed and frustrated by the caliber of people you’re attracting …
5. Hire a professional.
There may be some blind spots you’re carrying that have you unconsciously attracting unavailable people or those who simply aren’t your type. I truly believe there are no coincidences when it comes to who we attract. For years, I attracted unavailable men, and as much as I thought I was working on my own unavailability, I wasn’t truly until I found the right coach to next-level show me where I was getting in my own way. It’s humbling to go inward and see how we really are the creators of our experience, but oh so worth it when the right love arrives.
6. Decide that you’re never going to give up searching/dating until you find him.
This goes hand in hand with step one—stay connected to your desire. If you want love, it’s waiting for you. Truly. But you’ve got to be willing to show up, no matter what. Yes—even if you may get hurt again. There may be bumps. Disappointments. Resurging stories of rejection and abandonment to heal and work through … again. But if you’re willing to move through the guck of it all, while keeping your eye on the prize—aka YOUR PERSON—you will have zero regrets about the lengths, healing, exploring, and personal growth you embarked on, in order to find him. You’ll be so so glad you did, and my guess is, he will be too.
