So you’ve made the tough decision to end your relationship. Now what?
Should you:
- Skip town like an asshole outlaw?
- Write them a Post-It note?
- Pick fights to get them to break up with you?
- Make your doorman do it for you?
- Do none of the above?
“I am a believer that communication and transparency are always the kindest ways to end a relationship. And I always encourage my clients to handle things in this way,” says licensed mental health therapist Beth Gulotta, founder of NYC Therapeutic Wellness and podcast host of Quiet The Clock. “This may make you feel vulnerable and seem scarier, but it offers compassion and respect.”
We know this is easier said than done, so we asked Gulotta to walk us through how to break up with someone in the kindest way possible.
There are two key ingredients:
1. Be vulnerable, and be clear.
“Share with your partner why you are ending the relationship and why it is no longer serving you. Of course, this is relationship specific, but the clearer you can be, the better,” Gulotta says.
“It can be helpful to start with strength-based communication, such as identifying why the relationship was meaningful and valuable to you, and then explain why it no longer feels that way.”
2. Set clear boundaries and expectations about the ending of the relationship.
“If you are fully closing the door, make sure you communicate that clearly. Don’t leave things open if you do not intend to stay connected in any way. Be clear about what closure and ending looks like,” Gulotta says.
Resist the urge to just ghost. (Note: There are exceptions to this, such as if your personal safety is at risk.)
“Ghosting behavior is so hurtful, confusing, and harmful,” Gulotta says. She adds that it also creates more stress, anxiety, and hurt feelings for both you and your former partner.
“Your partner may continue to try and reach out to you. If you just ghost them and ignore them, they will feel hurt and confused, and you will feel stressed out or maybe annoyed by their continued attempts to connect with you,” she explains.
Oh, and she’s really against breaking up with someone over text. “Pick up the phone or even better, meet in person. Let your partner hear your tone of voice and see your body language. There is way too much that can be misinterpreted or misunderstood over text,” Gulotta says.
“You give people peace, understanding, and closure when you offer clarity. It may still be hurtful or sad (any ending is), but if communicated well, there is less room for assumption and confusion.”
And remember—“Take time for yourself to process, heal, and grieve,” Gulotta advises. “Even if you’re the one who decided to end the relationship, it’s still important to take these steps too.”
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