Looking For Love But Don’t Want To Date?

Wouldn’t it just be easier if you met “the one” by happenstance on a plane? Your local coffee shop? The dog park?

And wouldn’t that story be so much better than, “We met on Hinge?”

I get it.

I met the last guy who broke my heart at a yoga class, and I loved that the sparks between us weren’t only mutual but more natural than the awkward exchanges I’d had with one too many guys off the dating apps.

And the certified yoga instructor within thought this “how we met” story worked quite well for me.

But like I said, he broke my heart. And as a 36-year-old single woman living in Los Angeles, I had just about had it with the decade of heartbreak and single-sad-Sally spells I’d endured.

I was sad. Mad. Frustrated.

And anxious at the thought of being alone forever. I really craved a solid, committed, passionate, fun, trustworthy, and loyal partnership. But at the same time, the thought of dating again made me wanna fight all the people who said, “Keep putting yourself out there, Claire! He’s out there.”

I was over the search and felt I’d rather spend my precious time with incredible friends, family, and getting my dream as a heartbreak coach off the ground. (The latter of which I can thank my ex-yogi-boyfriend for, whose cold discarding of me made me want to help others in the same boat.)

Which was what I did.

I decided to next-level double down and heal this heartbreak like no other before putting myself out there again. And I next-level dated myself to the point that I was really comfortable standing on my own two feet, while never denying that I indeed still wanted to find love. But I wanted to find love from a place of genuine fulfillment within myself, not from lack, impatience, fear or insecurity.

After I achieved said goals, the thought of putting myself out there to date again still induced anxiety.

What if I get my heart broken again? What if he doesn’t exist? What if love just isn’t in the cards for me?

I then asked myself what I’d say if I were speaking to a client who wanted to put herself out there again but had similar resistance to putting in the work.

Here’s what I came to, which got me motivated, inspired, and energized to go after calling in the love of my life in a way I never had before.

And spoiler alert: It worked.

1. I believed I was the best version of myself who could only attract the same.

Yes, I am talking about the law of attraction. I truly believe that like attracts like, and I trusted that the work I did on all the unavailable men I’d attracted, as well as the work I did on healing the unavailability within myself, would put me in a different vibration that would attract a higher caliber of men … even in Los Angeles, where men are notorious for having Peter Pan Syndrome.

2. I decided I wanted to be the person who unapologetically goes after what she wants.

If I did this with fitness goals, financial goes, and career goals, why not do it with my love-life goals?? It’s 2024. Dating now is not the same or as simple as what it looked like when our parents got together, and I actually see this as a really good thing. We get to be more discerning and picky because we’re not limited to finding someone who we work with or meet at the local bar. We get to go after finding our person who is really right for us because we have so many options to do so. I wanted to be physically attracted to someone who was kind, driven, ambitious, dreamy, emotionally available, honest, hilarious, and a family man, to name a few. I loved the idea of making it my mission to find someone who has all of these qualities instead of some.

3. I decided to change my mind about how I perceived the dating apps.

Look, we all know the dating apps have aspects about them that drive us insane. People lie about their height, their job, and what it is they’re looking for. They ghost, flake, and disappoint. I knew I couldn’t change any of this from continuing to happen, but what I did change was my attitude about that stuff happening. Instead of focusing on what wasn’t working and what I found to be ridiculous, exhausting, and nervy, I decided to keep my eye on the prize—my person. Coming across a bunch of no’s on the apps had no detrimental effect on finding my yes. What I mean by this is, twenty awful first dates or 1000 swipes left didn’t mean that the next one couldn’t be incredible.

4. I decided that no date would be a waste of time (even if the person was lame).

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that some people miraculously and effortlessly find love without putting much effort or time in but that certainly wasn’t my story, so I decided that my ideal person was worth going on endless dates for however long it took, and I was going to learn a hell of a lot along the way.

Think about the thousands of hours artists, athletes, and entrepreneurs put in with no guarantees about the outcome of their success. But they do it because of their burning desire to pursue these avenues and because of their belief in themselves.

And regardless of if they “make it” or not, there is so much that they learn about life, discipline, resilience, a craft, a plethora of skills, trust in themselves, and, in some cases, an incredible bond and connection with others. You could use the same approach to finding your person, and own how much effort you put in and how much you’re getting out of it along the way.

5. Finally, I decided that I was never going to give up until I found him.

I’m a dream chaser, and I love love. I love romantic fairy tales. I love physical touch. I love smelling my fiancé and putting my nose in his neck every night when we fall asleep. I love our vulnerable conversations with each other. I even love our conflicts because of the way we come back to each other, stronger than when we were before. I love crying laughing with him about the dumbest things no one else would find as funny. I love our exchanges of emotional support and intellectual conversations. I love being so proud being by his side in any room. I can honestly say that the almost two decades of heartbreak and being alone were beyond worth getting more clear on what I did want, and going after it like no other—unapologetically and almost fearlessly because how could fear not come along for the ride after all the disappointment in my past?

So then you might ask, What if I do all of the above and it doesn’t happen for me?

Well, what if you do all of the above and it does happen for you?

There is so much more to gain here in the process of actively finding love, regardless of the outcome. But I truly believe that when you connect to that outcome in your mind, body, and heart, while consistently taking action, it will happen for you.

Just like it did for me.