Get ready for a new kind of sexual awakening—one in which you discover your authentic desires.
We spoke with therapist, writer, and founder of QueerSexTherapy Casey Tanner about navigating the often-scary process of coming out and feeling secure with your sexuality. We also discuss her new book Feel It All: A Therapist’s Guide to Reimagining Your Relationship with Sex, which tackles these issues and more.
What made you want to write Feel It All?
“In the thousands of conversations I’ve had with clients and followers about sex, I have not met a single person who feels completely secure about their sexuality. And yet, so many of us feel isolated in our anxiety, as if we’re supposed to know more than we do. In reality, our sexual insecurity makes perfect sense when you consider the sex miseducation, oppressive ideologies, and attachment experiences that each of us bring to the bedroom.
“I wrote Feel It All to call out this insecurity for what it is—a symptom of a global sexual dysfunction—and to invite a new kind of sexual awakening. This awakening isn’t about how much sex you have or even how you have it, but it’s about turning inward to discover authentic desire. Only then can we experience the connection we crave with our partners.”
Who did you write this book for?
“I wrote this book for anyone who has ever been mid-sex and thought “Literally, what is happening right now?” Whether we’re struggling to push away anxious thoughts about our bodies, trying to will ourselves toward an ever-elusive orgasm, or trying to force ourselves to want it more than we actually do, I think each of us have had some version of this moment.
“If I’m honest, I also wrote this book for myself. As I’ve entered my early thirties, societal messaging has forced me to wonder, ‘Is my sexual awakening over? Is my intimate life all downhill from here?’ The answer, of course, is no, but writing this book gave me the opportunity to find the research to prove it.”
Were there any particular resources or sources of support that were especially helpful for you when you were coming out?
“The best gift I ever gave myself was working with a therapist who was comfortable talking about sex. You’d be surprised how little coursework clinicians receive in sexuality (often none at all), so it takes some legwork to find a therapist who has gone the extra mile, sought additional certifications, etc. I recommend seeking an AASECT-certified sex therapist if you believe that sex, sexuality, and relationships will be a core part of what you’d like to work on in therapy. My own group practice, The Expansive Group, currently offers sex therapy and coaching in 48 states and over 60 different countries.”
What advice would you give to other women who are considering coming out as queer but may be hesitant or fearful?
“Do it scared. We have good reason to be fearful about coming out, so it’s not about just ‘getting over’ your anxiety. For most of the people I work with (including myself), there comes a time when the thought of not coming out—not getting to experience the fullness of your sexuality—becomes even scarier than the thought of sharing yourself with others.
“Also, you don’t have to start with the most important person in your life. Instead, I recommend coming out first to the person in your life who is most likely to have a supportive response, even if that person is your neighborhood barista. Practicing coming out in lower-stakes relationships with people who have signaled that they are allies in the past can help you build confidence for those bigger conversations.”
What message would you like to convey to queer women who may be struggling with their identities or facing societal pressures?
“So much of the rotten messaging we’ve received as women and queer people about our sexualities lives in our nervous system. You might feel it as gnawing anxiety, a difficulty with being seen naked, or immense shame that rises when trying to ask for what you want.
“That messaging will remain in our bodies until we allow ourselves to lean on our community to share nervous system resources with one another. Shame can’t survive when spoken out loud, so start telling your story. I promise, you aren’t the only one.
“If you don’t know where to begin in telling that story, I wrote Feel It All to help give you that language.”
Do you have any advice for dealing with a negative reaction to coming out?
“Not to be so annoying here, but feel it all. Let yourself grieve if grief is what comes up. A negative reaction to coming out is never excusable.
“At the same time, know that someone’s first reaction to your identity is typically not their last. Unfortunately, people’s first response is usually an impulsive reaction that centers their experience of the disclosure. They might say things like “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” or “But you have had so many boyfriends!” These responses are just people trying to locate themselves within your story and make you make sense to them.
“But remember, you don’t have to make sense, not even to yourself. It’s OK if you don’t have a linear, cohesive narrative that makes your sexuality seem more valid. Allow yourself to exist beyond understanding. That’s where the magic happens.”
What’s the biggest thing you hope people take away from Feel It All?
“Your anxiety? It’s about the sex, but it’s not about the sex. Insecurity dances on the stage of sexuality, but it is almost always about something deeper—a wound that needs tending. The next time you feel insecure, get curious instead of judgmental. Wonder where that soft, tender spot is inside of you, and move to give it care.”
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