You ask your partner to help out around the house, and they say, “Sure, just give me a list.”
But the second you ask them to unload the dishwasher or put their dirty towel in the hamper instead of leaving it on the table (why tho), it turns into, “Don’t tell me what to do.”
Cue melting face emoji.
“In relationships, there’s often a ‘nag’ and someone who feels ‘nagged’,” says Laura Danger, a Certified Fair Play Facilitator, educator, and advocate who often speaks about this topic on her social platforms. “One person will ask how they can help out, ask to be given lists, and request guidance. The other will manage the decision-making, coordinating, and facilitating. It’s an imbalance that, for far too long, too many of us have tried to course-correct by doing the very thing that created the imbalance in the first place—asking for directions and giving them.”
Welcome to the nag paradox.
“The nag paradox is that tricky relationship dynamic where one partner is shouldering more domestic engineering than the other. One partner gives directions, makes lists, makes decisions, and gives feedback. The other ends up on the receiving end of a lot of feedback and direction,” Laura explains.
But things don’t have to be this way. “An important first step is realizing what’s happening,” Laura says. “When one partner is making lists, keeping track of everything that needs to be done, and coordinating and organizing, they’re putting in more mental labor at home. We only have so much brain matter. If one partner is doing more of that mental labor at home, they’ve got less to give to other parts of their lives.”
If that’s happening, it’s time to communicate. “Start with talking about the costs of the dynamic. Do you feel disconnected? Do you feel tense when making family decisions? Are you burnt out or resentful? Are you tired of fighting? Is the dynamic costing you in any other areas of your life? Talk through the costs, and consider that addressing the issue will also help heal those areas of your life,” Laura advises.
Here are some things she says can help change this unhealthy dynamic:
- “Address the imbalance at its foundation. One person is making requests, and the other is receiving them. The Gottman Institute defines these kinds of attempts to collaborate as “bids for connection,” and if those requests get missed or rejected, the relationship could end. Be aware of how you react to each other’s bids or requests to do the mental and emotional work of creating a life together. Build good faith by setting a recurring meeting time once or twice a week, and show up ready to collaborate. Our lives are made up of seemingly mundane details. Just showing up enthusiastically to talk about those details matters more than you might imagine.
- “Don’t let decisions fall to one person or the other. Use explicit communication to decide how you want to make decisions. If a holiday event is coming up, instead of assuming one of you will coordinate and solicit help when needed, add 10 minutes into your day to collaborate on a plan, and decide who will handle the details for each piece.
“Do you want one person to plan a menu and direct everyone in the kitchen? Would you rather plan a meal together? Do you want one person to coordinate with extended family, or should everyone be on a group text? When you’re stuck in the nag paradox, one person may feel overburdened with decision making and the other may feel left out. Commit to clarity and inclusion when making decisions.
- “Reject assumptions. Instead, choose curiosity and collaboration. What makes the paradox so troubling is that it’s a dynamic that happens without explicit agreement. Instead of making assumptions, talk through expectations, and acknowledge each person’s role.”
It’s also worth noting that this doesn’t just happen in romantic relationships. “I’m sure we’ve all had that coworker who waits to be told what to do and then complains about being bossed around. This happens between friends, too,” Laura says. “Anytime we’re in relationships with one another, mental and emotional labor is required to tend to those bonds. When one person shoulders more of the responsibility of facilitating and the other is in a position of taking direction, it’s a recipe for resentment.
“The idea that nagging and being nagged is a totally normal and inevitable part of relationships is one we’ve been conditioned to believe,” Laura concludes. “Sitcoms, romance movies, and couples accounts on social media all sell the idea that the kind of resentment and contempt that can come with the nag paradox is a feature of a standard marriage. It doesn’t have to be!”
You ask, we answer. Send your relationship questions to [email protected], and one of our experts may just answer them in an upcoming column.
