They’re going out with the boys (or girls) without you. And that makes you feel … something.
Insecurity, annoyance, jealousy, maybe even fear.
If you want a healthy relationship, then you and your partner both need healthy friendships. Statistically, people with five close friends are 60% happier than people with fewer than five. So, you love your partner and want them to be happy, right? Of course you do!
But …
What if their friends are a bad influence?
You can’t pick their friends for them, and you certainly don’t want to be their mother. But if it’s affecting your relationship, it’s worth discussing. We know our environment influences us, and the people we choose to spend time with can either elevate us or bring us down.
If they always behave as their worst selves after they go out with a specific friend, discuss it. Help your partner become more aware of how their friends influence them. And lean into what you can control (which is you, your thoughts, feelings, and actions).
What if infidelity is something you’ve experienced in the past, either in this relationship or with a past partner?
For people who’ve had their trust broken, it can be a long road back to feelings of security and confidence. If these misgivings are baggage from a previous relationship, the best thing you can do is not saddle your partner with mistrust they haven’t earned. It’s a relationship killer and will push them away.
Your partner should know your history. You should be honest with them about your feelings but also let them know that you trust them. If they’ve cheated before and you’ve decided to stay together, then be open and vulnerable about your fears when they go out without you. Choose a time when you can have an uninterrupted discussion (not as they’re walking out the door for a friends’ night out).
What if you aren’t getting the quality time you desire, but they seem to make time for their friends?
It’s easy to feel that twinge of jealousy when you see the best of them coming out, just not with you. If your partner never seems to have time for you, consider the reasons. When you are together, how much time do you spend having fun, laughing, and enjoying each other’s company, and how much is spent arguing or doing chores? Refocus the time you have together on being their friend and enjoying each other.
What if you wanted to be invited?!
Why did you want to go? Is it because you don’t trust them and want to keep an eye on them? If yes, know this isn’t an effective strategy or the recipe for a healthy relationship. Or maybe you want all of their energy and focus solely on you? (Please don’t be that couple!) Or maybe you wanted to go because you genuinely like their friends and feel left out? Let them have their time, but host a party and invite friends from your
circle and theirs.
This brings me to an important point: you need your own circle of friends. Find ways to support your partner’s social needs as well as your own.
Healthy couples make time for both shared experiences and individual pursuits. Instead of viewing their outings as a threat, reframe them as an opportunity. You have your own full, independent, rich life. I came across this line: “He offered her the world, and she said, ‘No thanks, I already have my own.’ Think of it as an entire evening for me-time.
Plus, time apart allows you to appreciate each other on a deeper level. When you reunite, you’ll have stories to share and a renewed sense of appreciation for each other’s company. Strive for a partnership that celebrates independence alongside togetherness. Supporting each other’s personal growth and social connections will ultimately strengthen your relationship.
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Monica Berg is the author of Rethink Love, Fear is Not an Option, The Gift of Being Different children’s book, cohost of the popular Spiritually Hungry podcast, a globally sought-after speaker, and a researcher of human habits that hold us back. For over 20 years, she has counseled thousands of individuals and couples (even attending 500+ weddings of couples she’s advised) and has been happily married to a rabbi for 25 years. She’s on a mission to help people bring light and strength into even the most challenging experiences by changing the one thing we can control: ourselves.
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