What happens when two people come together under the premise that they will, without judgment, support the other’s every vision and dream?
Infinite things can materialize.
Through my work as a sexologist and intimacy coach that focuses on connection and desire, I often meet couples who’ve hit a wall. They’ve applied all the tools in their toolbox but just can’t seem to break through the barrier before them. And it’s causing their individual selves to suffer.
They want partnership and happiness, but without realizing it, they’ve designed their relationship to stand in their own way.
Cue, codependency.
By definition, codependency is a relationship in which extensive dependence on one or both partners is present—often, but not limited to, a bond that is rooted in supporting one’s addiction or illness. It is not inherently romantic. These dynamics can show up in any close relationship.
We hear a lot about the tribulations that face a couple drudging through the depths of codependency, but we don’t always have a more effective, soft place for them to catapult into.
That soft place can be co-commitment.
Co-commitment is a concept that originates from the book Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment by Dr. Gay Hendricks and Dr. Kathleen Hendricks. It offers couples a way of shedding unhelpful agreements that keep them small and illustrates how togetherness can be a tool for creating everything you want and more.
Co-dependency has a tendency to keep both partners from evolving (misery does love company), but co-commitment gives both a boundless space they can grow into, fueled by love.
So how does one cross the bridge? Stow away your crystals and spell candles. It’s much more pragmatic than you may think.
In working with my clients, I find that we must first re-center the conversations on ourselves (the only person we really have any control over) before applying the practice to matters of the heart.
My first step in guiding individuals and couples toward this conscious coalescence is for each to make a list of where they are now, where they would like to be, and what we feel is standing between them and their deepest desires.
I find mapping it out allows them to step outside of the experience and view it from a new perspective.
Now that we have a map of where they want to be and what might be keeping them from it, it’s important to learn the language of intimacy. Shame is the antithesis of intimacy. It keeps us small. When we can face it head-on and find empathy for ourselves and others, we can begin to create space for unbridled intimacy.
Once we’ve successfully worked out the kinks in what’s keeping my clients from their deepest desires, applying this knowledge to their relationships is where the good stuff happens.
Think about it this way: two people’s efforts are stronger than one.
But both have to be equally invested in the success of this process.
If codependency thrives off of agreeing to turn a blind eye to your partner’s most harmful behaviors, co-commitment happens when both individuals agree to support the growth, fulfillment, and progress of the other.
It is in this place, fueled by love, that we can co-construct the lives we envision!
If you feel that you are in a codependent relationship that is causing you emotional or physical harm please call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
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