Hello again, dear friend Anonymous. Welcome back to our sex talk column where readers submit questions, then we do our research and craft a story to answer as many questions as we can. We tapped Dr. Kate Balestrieri—licensed psychologist, certified sex and PACT couples therapist, and founder of Modern Intimacy in Los Angeles, California—to provide her (s)expert knowledge on steamy topics (like how to teach yourself to squirt, everything you need to know about edging and rocking, if nipple orgasms are real, ways to increase your libido, sex stage fright, enjoying outercourse, and more). Today she’s taking the mic in our Ask Us Anything: The Sex Edition, to answer the latest submission. The topic? How to know if watching porn with your partner is for you.
“The research is clear. People of all genders appreciate porn. A common question sex therapists are asked by couples is whether it is healthy or unhealthy for partners to watch porn together. Porn can be a polarizing topic in general and can leave partners at odds with each other, or unsure of how to make sense of its place in their relationship.
Many fear it will take away from their connection or that they will feel inadequate if their partner watches it solo or requests to watch it together. Some feel watching porn is a form of betrayal or unethical in some ways.
At the end of the day, whether watching porn together can increase pleasure depends on a few things: the relationship each partner has with porn, how real they perceive it to be, and the relationship they have with each other.
As an individual, your relationship with porn, or visual erotica, has been shaped by many messages about porn, sex, and who you are as a sexual person. People who grew up with negative or restrictive messages about sex, or who feel porn is unethical, may have more fear, shame, or reservations about including porn in their solo or partnered sex activities.
For those who grew up in a sex-positive environment, or who have a more expanded and open view about sex and porn, visual erotica can play a huge role in increasing their sexual pleasure.
To be clear, no one is required to watch porn to have a healthy and intensely pleasurable relationship with sex. But for those who are curious about whether it can increase pleasure with a partner, it can help them learn more about different sexual activities, positions, or techniques, which can inspire some novelty in their sex life and increase sexual flexibility.
Porn is not always the best source of sex education, but if you think critically about its realism (or lack thereof) and do not compare yourselves to what you see on the screen, it can help you get some more creative ideas about how to play with each other in new ways.
Porn can give couples the ability to indulge fantasies together, such as group sex, voyeurism, exhibitionism, or dabbling in power exchanges or different role-plays, without the necessity of bringing the fantasy into their real lives.
Even for folks who may think porn is naughty, watching it can feel like entering the taboo, which can be sexually exhilarating! You may be wondering how to know if porn is becoming a problem in your relationship. Only you can decide if it doesn’t feel right and explore why. Watching it together may not be for everyone, and that’s OK. You may decide it’s not for you as a couple if one of you wants connection and the other uses porn to check out during sex. It may be helpful to re-evaluate it if it becomes compulsive or if one partner wants to use it more than the other, you like different kinds of porn and that leads to conflict, or if it is used to shame you or your body in any way (unless that’s your kink!). Many women complain that mainstream porn doesn’t excite them or is too focused on the male gaze or male-centered pleasure. Feminist and ethical porn producers are becoming more and more prevalent, and choosing your porn wisely can make a big difference in your ability to enjoy it.
Healthy communication is essential, for great sex in general and when introducing any new elements, like porn. Give yourselves some grace, though. Sex is an intimate and charged topic, and porn can be too. If you want help integrating porn into your sex life, a sex therapist can help you navigate setting up boundaries and set up a path for increased erotic potential. Thoughtful aftercare can help you debrief about the porn you watched, what you liked, and what you didn’t like about the experience, so you can learn from each sexual experience and adjust in the next.”
Dr. Kate Balestrieri is a licensed psychologist, certified sex therapist, certified sex addiction therapist, PACT therapist, and founder of Modern Intimacy, a group practice in Los Angeles, Miami, and Chicago. Listen to her podcast, Modern Intimacy, and follow her on IG @drkatebalestrieri.
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