Skip to main content
Close Close

Congratulations
You're on the list.

Make sure to check your spam folder so that our emails are always delivered into your inbox.
xo, Kourt
Give your inbox
and your life

the Poosh it needs.
By clicking SIGN UP, you agree to receive emails from Poosh and agree to our terms of use and privacy policy.
Free Shipping on All Domestic Orders.
  • HEALTH + WELLNESS
  • LIFE + STYLE
  • HOME + ENTERTAINING
  • KKB
Poosh
  • instagram pinterest facebook twitter youtube join newsletter
  • Shop
  • search
  • search
  • body
  • diy
  • fitness
  • Giving Back
  • health
  • mind
  • Relationships
  • Sexual Wellness
  • soul
The Self-Care Ritual That Actually Relieves my Pain
The Self-Care Ritual That Actually Relieves my Pain
Is Trauma Trapped in Your Body?
Is Trauma Trapped in Your Body?
How Arousal Mapping Can Awaken Your Desire
How Arousal Mapping Can Awaken Your Desire
A Workout for Your Follicular Phase
A Workout for Your Follicular Phase
7 Green Flags in Yourself
7 Green Flags in Yourself
How to Tell the Difference Between Dry and Dehydrated Skin
How to Tell the Difference Between Dry and Dehydrated Skin
  • Adulting
  • beauty
  • guides
  • Hacks
  • style
  • travel
Stylist Dani Michelle Shares Her Transitional Dressing Must-Haves
Stylist Dani Michelle Shares Her Transitional Dressing Must-Haves
Poosh Product Picks: Madeleine Rose
Poosh Product Picks: Madeleine Rose
Poosh Pause: My Bali Reset
Poosh Pause: My Bali Reset
How to Detect Narcissist Red Flags
How to Detect Narcissist Red Flags
I’m Getting Married in 8 Months—This Is My Expert-Approved Skin Treatment Schedule
I’m Getting Married in 8 Months—This Is My Expert-Approved Skin Treatment Schedule
How to Thrive, Not Just Survive
How to Thrive, Not Just Survive
  • decor
  • entertaining
  • kids
  • motherhood
  • Playlists
  • recipes
Khloé Kardashian’s Easy Weeknight Slow Cooker Veggie Burrito Bowls
Khloé Kardashian’s Easy Weeknight Slow Cooker Veggie Burrito Bowls
Hormone Healthy Raw Carrot Salad Recipe
Hormone Healthy Raw Carrot Salad Recipe
Must-Have Items New Moms Swear By
Must-Have Items New Moms Swear By
Vegan Armenian Lahmacun Recipe From Kourt’s Incredible Spread
Vegan Armenian Lahmacun Recipe From Kourt’s Incredible Spread
Kourt’s Favorite Cajun Kale Chips
Kourt’s Favorite Cajun Kale Chips
Under $50: Chic Bathroom Organization Accessories
Under $50: Chic Bathroom Organization Accessories
  • family
  • kourtney
Khloé Kardashian’s Easy Weeknight Slow Cooker Veggie Burrito Bowls
Khloé Kardashian’s Easy Weeknight Slow Cooker Veggie Burrito Bowls
Vegan Armenian Lahmacun Recipe From Kourt’s Incredible Spread
Vegan Armenian Lahmacun Recipe From Kourt’s Incredible Spread
Why Kourt Loves Seed Cycling
Why Kourt Loves Seed Cycling
Kourt’s Favorite Cajun Kale Chips
Kourt’s Favorite Cajun Kale Chips
3 Salads Kourt is Eating on Rotation Right Now
3 Salads Kourt is Eating on Rotation Right Now
Kourtney’s Wet Hair Look: The Breakdown
Kourtney’s Wet Hair Look: The Breakdown
What are you looking for?

Menu

  • Shop
  • HEALTH + WELLNESS
    • body
    • diy
    • fitness
    • Giving Back
    • health
    • mind
    • Relationships
    • Sexual Wellness
    • soul
  • HOME + ENTERTAINING
    • decor
    • entertaining
    • kids
    • motherhood
    • Playlists
    • recipes
  • KKB
    • family
    • kourtney
  • LIFE + STYLE
    • Adulting
    • beauty
    • guides
    • Hacks
    • style
    • travel
  • Newsletter
instagram pinterest facebook twitter youtube join newsletter
Sexual Wellness

Why Some Women Can Orgasm by Themselves  BUT NOT WITH A PARTNER

By Kate Balestrieri
share on pinterest share on facebook share on twitter Share on Flipboard share by email
 Photo credit Chelo Alonso (1950s)
Chelo Alonso (1950s)

Orgasms are not a slam dunk for everyone, and their many mysteries can baffle even the most sex-positive person. How do you have one? How do you have multiple? What’s the difference between a clitoral, vaginal, and blended orgasm? Are nipple orgasms even possible? (Yes, but that’s a topic for another article.) One of the most baffling conundrums that some women face when it comes to the big O is why they can have them easily by themselves and not with a partner. Sharing orgasmic pleasure with a partner can be a wildly erotic experience, and while orgasms are not the end-all-be-all of sex, it can be puzzling and frustrating if they only appear for an audience of you, yourself, and … you. A deeper dive into the psyche can reveal several reasons a woman may struggle to achieve an orgasm with a partner, but have no problem when she is loving herself, by herself.

Trust Issues

It is not always easy to trust people, even when you might want to. It takes time to get to know someone, and trust takes time to develop. Consistency lends itself toward safety, and if you are unsure of where you stand with a partner or do not have enough information about them to know if their walk matches their talk, it may make it difficult to lean in. Rightfully so. If you’ve been hurt, betrayed, or deceived in the past, old wounds may interrupt your ability to trust with reckless abandon. Introducing another person into your sexual pleasure zone is a risk, physically, sexually, and emotionally, and when trust is in question, your body may not be able to fully relax and let down its guard.

Struggles with Intimacy

For some women, intimacy is easy. They revel in it, are open to it, and seek it out. But for others, it can feel engulfing, suffocating, too vulnerable, or leave them feeling out of control. Sharing any aspect of yourself is no easy feat. Allowing themselves to be fully seen (literally and metaphorically) can feel too overwhelming for some women, thwarting their ability to climax. Someone who is holding back remains in a state of self-protection, and that is often an impediment to orgasmic levels of excitement.

Like to Be in Control

When a woman struggles with control, what she is really wrestling with is a difficulty in surrendering. Now, perhaps she has felt powerless in the past or has felt marginalized in some way. Growing up in an environment where control meant survival, and surrender meant danger or hurt, can ingrain a fear of surrendering that makes it impossible to let go with a partner. In order to have an orgasm, one must be willing to surrender to the contractions, to the emotions, to the pleasure. It may be easy to do when you’re by yourself, because with the presence of another person, it is easy to feel in control. You know yourself, you know how you move, what you like, etc. Add another person into the mix, and there are many unknown variables, and that can light up an internal need to stay alert and in control. In essence, this state of hypervigilance is a reminder to nurture deeper feelings of trust (and safety), so you can let go and receive pleasure.

Lacking Knowledge About Sexual Skills

If either partner lacks sufficient knowledge of sexual skills, the sexual response system, or what they like, it can be very difficult to get there. Sexual naivete is nothing to be ashamed of; no one is born a sex-pert. If you feel unsure about what you like, or have a partner who is not as clear about the ins and outs of your sexual road map, this is an easy fix and a can be a fun and hot mission of sexploration together. Every single body is different, and unfortunately, accurate sex education is not always available. Sometimes people get rigid ideas in their mind about what is supposed to feel good with a partner, and then stop exploring what actually works for them. So if you’re not sure, ask. And if they’re not sure, educate.

Shame About Sex

Unless humiliation is your thing (and if it is, there is nothing wrong with that), shame is lethal to the hope of an orgasm. Sex is nothing to be ashamed about. Everyone has a relationship to sexuality, and are born from it. Nonetheless, many people, women especially, receive messages throughout their lives that sex is shameful, or looking sexy is shameful, or wanting sex is shameful. These messages can make it very difficult for women to connect with their sexuality in a healthy way, for fear of being bad or dirty, as they are often made to feel. Slut shaming and victim blaming sully women’s sexuality in a very public way, and often shame can become ingrained in a woman’s sexual identity. When this is the case, it may be challenging for her to achieve orgasm alone, and shame about sex can become exaggerated when there is another person in the equation. One more set of eyes can feel like a thousand when someone is in a shame borough, and it can set off a fight, flight, or freeze response that negates the likelihood of an orgasm.

It’s Not Hot

Spoiler alert: being adequately turned on is a key element of reaching an orgasm. In this case, being aroused might mean an elaborate fantasy scenario or just being able to hold in your mind the reality of you and your partner’s sexiness in the present moment. If you’re running through your to-do list, just showing up to please your partner, substituting sex for your cardio that day, or dissociating, it may be really challenging for you to reach orgasmic pleasure. Sex that is perfunctory or mechanical is not hot and can leave you feeling without enough vitality to lubricate, let alone orgasm.

It’s a Performance

As a culture, there has been far too much importance placed on penetrative sex and orgasms. Orgasms are great, no doubt, but over time there has been too much meaning placed on them—about someone’s worth both in the bedroom and as a person. Sexual prowess has been co-opted by mainstream culture to be an indication of whether or not someone is good enough. As such, men and women have placed an inordinate amount of pressure on women to come, as if their partner’s whole identity depends on it. Now, this is not always an explicit conversation, but it seeps into our collective psyche and has led many women to perfect their performance of orgasmic ecstasy. Male partners feel great and the orgasm gap between men and women widens. When a woman has a history of performative sex and does not get real with her partners about what she wants or needs to come, she is teaching them to ignore her, because she is ignoring or subjugating herself. This can lead to a longstanding pattern of shutting down and not expecting pleasure, which can make having an orgasm with a partner next to impossible.

Ineffective Communication

When a woman is unable or unwilling to communicate with a partner about their needs, it is very challenging to set the stage for an orgasm. Sure, sometimes it can feel awkward to talk about sex. You may not want to hurt your partner’s feelings. That is kind, but it will not help you light the fire you need to get over the orgasm hump. Each person shares responsibility for their own orgasm, and talking about it is sometimes the best way to bring you closer to having an orgasm, and to each other.

History of Trauma

When someone has experienced trauma, the aftereffects can be brief or long-lasting. Unaddressed trauma can result in some of the other concerns already discussed above, like difficulties with vulnerability, trust, surrender, and intimacy, especially if the trauma was sexual, relational, or related to betrayal. Unresolved trauma can lead to interpersonal dissociation, fear, and low self-esteem, all of which can impede an orgasm. Many women with a history of trauma find themselves disconnected from their bodies, which can also make it very difficult to fully experience the pleasure they feel during sex. Intense sensations (even those that are pleasurable) can lead to further disembodiment and disconnection from orgasmic potential.

Body Anxiety

A poor self-image or body image can get in the way of any woman’s sexual experience with a partner. Concerns about how she looks, whether the flaws are real or perceived, can be loud inside the mind of a woman when she is in the presence of another person. Flying solo, negative thoughts or inner critiques may not be as big of a distraction, making it easier for her to relax and surrender into the pleasure.

If it’s been a challenge for you to orgasm with a partner, you are not alone. There are many ways to get in touch with your sexuality in a different way. Working with a sex therapist or sexual health coach can be a great start to helping you understand the intricacies of your mind and body connection, to help provide you with tools that let your orgasmic potential flow, with and without a partner.

Poosh Edit: Best of Bedroom Essentials

Dr. Kate Balestrieri is a licensed psychologist, certified sex therapist, certified sex addiction therapist, PACT therapist, and founder of Modern Intimacy, a group practice in Los Angeles, Miami, and Chicago. Listen to her podcast, Modern Intimacy, and follow her on IG @drkatebalestrieri.

The content provided in this article is provided for information purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice and consultation, including professional medical advice and consultation; it is provided with the understanding that Poosh, LLC (“Poosh”) is not engaged in the provision or rendering of medical advice or services. The opinions and content included in the article are the views of the author only, and Poosh does not endorse or recommend any such content or information, or any product or service mentioned in the article. You understand and agree that Poosh shall not be liable for any claim, loss, or damage arising out of the use of, or reliance upon any content or information in the article.

Up next, be the first to know our weekly content and sign up for our Poosh newsletter.

You may also like...

Go to article How Do I Keep my Vagina From Feeling Irritated After Sex?
Sexual Wellness

How Do I Keep my Vagina From Feeling Irritated After Sex?

Go to article Poosh-Approved Clitoral and G-Spot Vibrators
HEALTH + WELLNESS

Poosh-Approved Clitoral and G-Spot Vibrators

Related Articles

Goes to article FYI: Why Sucking Isn’t Just for Penises 
Sexual Wellness

FYI: Why Sucking Isn’t Just for Penises 

Goes to article What to do if he has a Small Penis
Relationships

What to do if he has a Small Penis

Goes to article DID YOU KNOW…Pelvic Floor Exercises Can Improve Orgasms?
fitness

DID YOU KNOW…Pelvic Floor Exercises Can Improve Orgasms?

Goes to article Does Lube Work in Water?
Sexual Wellness

Does Lube Work in Water?

Goes to article Let’s Talk Nipple Sensitivity
body

Let’s Talk Nipple Sensitivity

Goes to article How to Acclimate to a Partner With a Larger Penis
Sexual Wellness

How to Acclimate to a Partner With a Larger Penis

Goes to article These Vaginal Health Gummies Got Me Some Surprising, Ehem, Feedback
body

These Vaginal Health Gummies Got Me Some Surprising, Ehem, Feedback

Goes to article What’s a Vaginal Orgasm, and How Can I Have One? 
Sexual Wellness

What’s a Vaginal Orgasm, and How Can I Have One? 

  • About
  • Contact
  • Terms & Conditions
  • Privacy Policy
  • Cookie Policy
  • California Privacy Rights
  • Affiliate Disclosure
  • Accessibility

Keep in Touch

instagram pinterest facebook twitter youtube join newsletter
Reviewed by Allyant for Accessibility
  • © poosh, llc
    All Rights Reserved