You’re probably reading this because you are frustrated at yourself for choosing another unavailable partner—emotionally, locationally, or otherwise. Whatever the situation, here you are again with yet, wondering if it is you or just bad luck.
People with an anxious attachment style will often be attracted to people with an avoidant attachment style, even though it is a painful combination.
Let’s unpack the reasons for this.
1. You choose what you know.
Research has demonstrated that we are often attracted to people with similar qualities to our primary caregivers. It’s what we’re familiar with.
So, if one or both of your parents were avoidant and that is what you are used to, you could unconsciously be attracted to someone who matches your beliefs of how relationships should be. It feels comfortable at first—even though later on, it feels uncomfortable.
2. You reject what feels different.
When your model of self says that you don’t deserve love, that others aren’t capable of meeting your needs, or that love is not real unless you have to earn it, it can be challenging when you are with someone secure and available.
There is an unconscious sense of “Why are they interested in me? Eventually, they will find out that I’m not good enough.”
Sometimes, when you are with a secure partner, you might inadvertently push them away. It doesn’t feel like your template relationship from childhood, so you look for something that feels different. You look for someone less available.
3. You repeat what you saw.
You saw your parents have a relationship dynamic where one was more avoidant and the other anxious. Perhaps they were together but emotionally disconnected.
You want their traits in yourself. The honeymoon phase can be amazing for the anxious/avoidant couple. He’s stable, secure, grounded, and his nervous system feels calm. This can be very attractive to those with the anxious style who want more of this in themselves.
5. It's a caretaker role.
You sense the wounded inner child behind the shutdown adult and want to help heal them.
6. You want to heal yourself.
You are subconsciously trying to resolve what happened in the past by repeating what you saw as a child, and attempting to work out and heal that dynamic.
Hopefully, this has helped shed some light on why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable people. Don’t be discouraged! It’s going to take some work and self-reflection, but you can break the pattern and find a healthy, happy relationship.
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Jennifer Nurick, MA, specializes in healing anxious attachment, attachment injuries, and childhood trauma. She is a licensed Clinical Psychotherapist, Counselor, and Energetic Healer. She is the founder and voice of Psychotherapy Central, a Director of the International Energetic Healing Association, and an ambassador for A Sound Life charity and The Embody Lab. She has been working in the healing space for over 20 years, where she has helped thousands of clients with her unique healing techniques.
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