Sex feels good. So I hear! One of the main reasons people like to have sex is because it is pleasurable. Yes, there are other reasons! Sometimes people even like to experience sexual pleasure with people who aren’t pleasant, or people they don’t necessarily like or love. This has often been considered “hate sex” by some, and while others don’t feel the need to describe it as such, some people report having the best sex with someone they don’t like, and/or they know isn’t a good fit for them otherwise. Here are two common reasons why this is totally OK, and a sign that it might not be as good as it sounds.
Sometimes sex is sex. We receive messages that sex is supposed to be shared with someone you love. While this might be true for some, it is not everyone’s philosophy. Have you ever met someone and realized you just wanted to have sex with them and nothing more? How about the person who gets on every last one of your nerves, but you never miss a chance to meet them for a rendezvous? Sexual attraction, desire, arousal, and compatibility have nothing to do with love and more to do with your body’s sexual response cycle. It’s important for us to understand the differences, as this could lead to us choosing our partners better. I’ve seen people destroy exclusive relationships because they were only there for the sex.
Blame it on your brain. Sexual desire and arousal begin in the brain—the amygdala to be exact. Your brain does not automatically filter out whether you will love the person who you’re sexually attracted to. There may be times when you’re more prone to engage sexually with someone you don’t like versus other times. If you’re a person with a vagina, you might be more interested in sex at the beginning of your cycle, or right before your period begins. This is due to a rise in estrogen. Therefore, you might call up the obnoxious person you really don’t like, just to get your fix. This is totally OK if it’s consensual and safe.
There are times when constantly having sex with people you don’t like might be a little deeper than just pleasure. If you find that you are only attracted to people who are unavailable, then that might be a sign of an emotional attachment issue that needs to be addressed. In this case, it’s best to talk to your professional therapist about it. If you like having sex with a person you don’t like, just know that while it might be confusing, it’s really common.
Shamyra Howard is a sexologist, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), sex and relationship therapist, and owner of On The Green Couch in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. She specializes in sex and relationship therapy with individuals and couples, including those who identify as LGBTQ+. You can visit her website On The Green Couch for more information about her, her practice, and articles she has contributed to. Find her on Facebook and Instagram as Sexologist Shamyra, or email her questions at [email protected].
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