Hello again, dear friend Anonymous. Welcome back to our sex talk column where readers submit questions, then we do our research and craft a story to answer as many questions as we can. We tapped Dr. Kate Balestrieri—licensed psychologist, certified sex and PACT couples therapist, and founder of Modern Intimacy in Los Angeles, California—to provide her (s)expert knowledge on steamy topics (like how to teach yourself to squirt, everything you need to know about edging and rocking, if nipple orgasms are real, ways to increase your libido, sex stage fright, enjoying outercourse, and more). Today she’s taking the mic in our Ask Us Anything: The Sex Edition, to answer the latest submission. The topic? When your partner gets soft in the heat of the moment …
“It can be confusing when your partner loses their erection at any point during sex, and women often internalize blame for this, assuming it’s because of something they did or didn’t do, or because they are not enough. Let’s set the record straight—you are amazing, and enough!
Arousal is complex, and there are many reasons that a partner’s erection may wane that have nothing to do with you. Here are the most common:
1. Anxiety, Depression, PTSD
The symptoms of anxiety, depression, and posttraumatic stress disorder can have a profound impact on anyone’s life, especially sexual arousal. While for some, solo or partnered sex can be a healthy way to cope with or soothe distressing feelings, sometimes those feelings can make it challenging for a person to experience desire or arousal.
2. Stress
If your partner has a lot on their mind, there may not be a lot of bandwidth left for fantasies and fun. Being overly stressed out is like being stuck in survival mode of flight/fight/freeze, and it can be really challenging to induce or sustain a physiological state of arousal if the body is using up its energy just to feel OK.
3. Alcohol, Smoking, + Other Substances
Alcohol and other substances can help to alleviate anxiety or facilitate a good time, but they can have a sedative or depressant effect on the body, muffling nerve sensitivity and delaying reactions to stimuli. Smoking can inhibit blood flow, limiting circulation and constricting blood vessels, limiting erection potential.
4. Overall Health
You don’t need six-pack abs to have an erection, but an absence of a healthy diet and/or exercise can limit appropriate blood flow, which is necessary to have or sustain an erection. Symptoms of some medical conditions, such as heart disease, diabetes, multiple sclerosis, etc., can also have a limiting impact on arousal.
5. Medication
The side effects of some medications can wreak havoc on a person’s libido and sexual functioning. They can zap a person’s physical and mental energy, lead to weight gain, and some can even impact levels of testosterone.
6. Low Testosterone
As people age, their testosterone levels can fluctuate and decrease over time, which leads to many changes in the body, especially changes in erectile potential. Working with a physician can help identify supplements and treatments that can help to restabilize levels and revive a waning erection.
7. Recent Orgasm
After an orgasm and ejaculation, the body enters a refractory period, during which the penis may not be responsive to sexual stimulation or may not be able to sustain an erection. The refractory period varies from person to person, and across the lifespan. It can last anywhere from a few minutes to 24 hours, and sometimes even longer.
8. Not Sufficiently Turned On
Erections can be elusive when someone is not sufficiently aroused. This is NOT your fault. We are all responsible for our own arousal, and for communicating to our partner what we need to feel more erotically charged.
Sex is a complex playground for our more intimate conscious and unconscious needs, and often carries a lot of weight in terms of how we value ourselves and the quality of our relationships. But at the end of the day, sex is an activity. It is not a barometer of personal worth.
If your body or your partner’s body is not reacting in the way you may like during sexual activity, which is to be expected sometimes, it is not because anyone is to blame. Penetration is not the only way to have sex, so if a partner is not able to sustain an erection whether in one instance or consistently, there are still many ways to have hot sex together.
Collaborative and nonjudgmental language can help you both work through the list of possibilities that could be affecting sexual arousal and decide how to approach sex together, ensuring mutual pleasure moving forward.”
Dr. Kate Balestrieri is a licensed psychologist, certified sex therapist, certified sex addiction therapist, PACT therapist, and founder of Modern Intimacy, a group practice in Los Angeles, Miami, and Chicago. Listen to her podcast, Modern Intimacy, and follow her on IG @drkatebalestrieri.
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