I was into his profile until I clocked the tight sweater in that one pic—DEALBREAKER.
I can tell he’s too short even though it doesn’t say his height.
Too nerdy.
Too hot…so he’s prob a douche.
Too narcissistic…I can tell by his smile.
Sound familiar as you swipe left on auto-pilot most days? If so, you might not just have a case of the icks…You might also be RELATIONSHOPPING.
Relationshopping occurs when you’re mindlessly sifting through a bunch of people on dating apps like they’re items in a catalog. The notion that there’s probably someone better out there keeps you searching endlessly.
If you’re relationshopping, chances are, you have a plethora of matches stored in your queue that have dropped off in conversation 10+ months ago or may have never been initiated in the first place.
And the few exchanges that you ARE having with these items for sale (I mean PEOPLE)…cost time and energy, and stay on a surface level that prevents you from finding what you ACTUALLY want, or at least what you tell yourself you want:
An amazing partner who’s the yin to your yang.
Now, before you start to shame and blame yourself, let’s recognize that it makes so much sense for you to do this!
You’ve probably been on a bunch of online dates already that haven’t exactly panned out the way you wanted. Or you’ve been ghosted before the date even began, or disappointed by the guy with the dreamiest profile vibes who showed up looking NOTHING like his pics in an outfit that he MUST have slept in AND made you pay for your share of the meal…
(Just me?!)
I get how frustrating your PAST experiences have been, but the assumption that they will continue is driving the mindless swiping/searching that keeps you from finding your person.
So, how do you change your approach?
Before even worrying about HOW you’re swiping, I want you to get clear on the person you REALLY want to attract.
Who are they?
How are the two of you together?
What do they love about you?
What do you love about them?
What are your favorite things to do together?
What are the thoughts you’d think with them here?
Please pause and soak in these questions for a minute or 20! Do you FEEL the shift from resistance to POSSIBILITY? THAT’S the energy and focus you need when you approach searching for your person. From there, use the apps with careful, deliberate intention.
What does that look like?
Take your time swiping. Even if your brain says they’re an automatic no, ask yourself WHY? Do you KNOW for sure that he’s too short? A narcissist? Too hot to be down to earth?
Are you willing to connect with someone who intrigues you to see if they are who you thought—based on a couple of snapshots, checked-off boxes, and their love for the beach versus the mountains??
If so, ASK them a thoughtful, genuine question.
Intentional swiping while holding onto the vision of who I was searching for led me to swiping right on a man who had, in my opinion, the HOTTEST pics and ZERO WORDS on his profile.
For years, I would have thought, “He didn’t write anything, so he’s not serious,” and just swiped left.
Instead, I swiped right and had no problem sending him a message first, thanks to Bumble’s rule (in heteronormative relationships) for the woman to connect with the man first. What ensued was the most lovely, charming conversation with the person who is now the love of my life three and a half years later.
Could it have gone differently? Yes.
Are some people with zero words on their profile not serious about love? YES! But not ALL people.
And I accepted that the process requires putting myself out there to FIND OUT who people are if they interest me on some level. So again, get clear on who your person is. Let go of all that didn’t work in the past because it has NOTHING to do with your present and future.
Swipe slowly and intentionally. You’re never wasting your time when being deliberate and curious on your finding-love journey. Also, clear out the pileup of dead-weight matches in your queue, and if someone from months back still genuinely tickles your fancy, reach out to see if they’d like to meet up.
If their response is silence or a no? No sweat off your back. Just delete and move on, always keeping your eye on the prize.
Remember that YOU are not some inanimate object on the apps. You are a total GIFT to your ideal person who is only dying to find you. Be as intentional about finding them as you would want them to be about finding you, and quit relationshopping!
