Skip to main content
Close Close

Congratulations
You're on the list.

Make sure to check your spam folder so that our emails are always delivered into your inbox.
xo, Kourt
Give your inbox
and your life

the Poosh it needs.
By clicking SIGN UP, you agree to receive emails from Poosh and agree to our terms of use and privacy policy.
Free Shipping on All Domestic Orders.
  • HEALTH + WELLNESS
  • LIFE + STYLE
  • HOME + ENTERTAINING
  • KKB
Poosh
  • instagram pinterest facebook twitter youtube join newsletter
  • Shop
  • search
  • search
  • body
  • diy
  • fitness
  • Giving Back
  • health
  • mind
  • Relationships
  • Sexual Wellness
  • soul
What’s a Vaginal Orgasm, and How Can I Have One? 
What’s a Vaginal Orgasm, and How Can I Have One? 
8 Simple Ways to Reduce and Combat Toxic Stress
8 Simple Ways to Reduce and Combat Toxic Stress
The Benefits of Having Non-Penetrative Sex
The Benefits of Having Non-Penetrative Sex
This Communication Tool Helped My Relationship Out of a Rut
This Communication Tool Helped My Relationship Out of a Rut
How to Differentiate Your Breakouts
How to Differentiate Your Breakouts
Did You Know…Boredom is Good for You?
Did You Know…Boredom is Good for You?
  • Adulting
  • beauty
  • guides
  • Hacks
  • style
  • travel
Press-Ons Are the Only Way to Stop Me From Biting My Nails
Press-Ons Are the Only Way to Stop Me From Biting My Nails
Our Sweetheart Mailer has Arrived
Our Sweetheart Mailer has Arrived
Should I Wax My Own Butthole?
Should I Wax My Own Butthole?
Under-$50 Date Ideas
Under-$50 Date Ideas
How to Prevent and Minimize Pesky Chest Wrinkles
How to Prevent and Minimize Pesky Chest Wrinkles
How to Catch Lucky Girl Syndrome
How to Catch Lucky Girl Syndrome
  • decor
  • entertaining
  • kids
  • motherhood
  • Playlists
  • recipes
Easy Meals I Make When I’m Feeling SAD
Easy Meals I Make When I’m Feeling SAD
Surya Spa’s Ayurvedic Mung Bean Pancakes With Stewed Fruit
Surya Spa’s Ayurvedic Mung Bean Pancakes With Stewed Fruit
Charcoal Latte Recipe Inspired by Kim Kardashian
Charcoal Latte Recipe Inspired by Kim Kardashian
Comfy-Cozy Vegan Pesto Whirls
Comfy-Cozy Vegan Pesto Whirls
New Year, New (Anti-Aging) Matcha Latte Recipe
New Year, New (Anti-Aging) Matcha Latte Recipe
Kourtney’s Hormone-Balancing Organic Blueberry Smoothie Recipe
Kourtney’s Hormone-Balancing Organic Blueberry Smoothie Recipe
  • family
  • kourtney
Kourtney’s Wet Hair Look: The Breakdown
Kourtney’s Wet Hair Look: The Breakdown
Inside the 2022 Kardashian Jenner Christmas Eve Party
Inside the 2022 Kardashian Jenner Christmas Eve Party
Behind Closed Doors: The Kardashian/Jenners’ 2022 Gift Wrapping  
Behind Closed Doors: The Kardashian/Jenners’ 2022 Gift Wrapping  
A Peek at all of Kourt’s Favorite Nostalgic Christmas Decor
A Peek at all of Kourt’s Favorite Nostalgic Christmas Decor
The Makeup Tips Kourt Learned from Kylie
The Makeup Tips Kourt Learned from Kylie
The Under-$25 Kettle Kendall Makes her Apple tea in
The Under-$25 Kettle Kendall Makes her Apple tea in
What are you looking for?

Menu

  • Shop
  • HEALTH + WELLNESS
    • body
    • diy
    • fitness
    • Giving Back
    • health
    • mind
    • Relationships
    • Sexual Wellness
    • soul
  • HOME + ENTERTAINING
    • decor
    • entertaining
    • kids
    • motherhood
    • Playlists
    • recipes
  • KKB
    • family
    • kourtney
  • LIFE + STYLE
    • Adulting
    • beauty
    • guides
    • Hacks
    • style
    • travel
  • Newsletter
instagram pinterest facebook twitter youtube join newsletter
Relationships

THE SEX WAS REALLY BAD...What Now?

By Poosh
share on pinterest share on facebook share on twitter Share on Flipboard share by email
 Photo credit @memorysticc
@memorysticc

Short on time? Poosh here for the summary.

Hear that? 

That’s the sound of you two clicking. And it’s gorgeously resonant. 

You’re having a great time on date numero uno…maybe you’ve even been playing it slow, and this is date two. Or three. Finally the time has come—ehem—to consummate thy blissful union.
 
Record scratch.
 
In a most unfortunate series of events, or one blurry moment you dissociated from, the sex was a flop. It wasn’t connected, it wasn’t in-tune, none of the tricks were for you…or maybe there were no tricks. It was all-around terrible. 

What does it mean?

Before you go writing the whole thing off and tossing your aforementioned chemistry straight into the biohazard bin for proper waste disposal, hang on. We spoke with Dr. Shannon Chavez, licensed Psychologist and Sex Therapist for a quick intervention.

She starts out serving sweet relief: “It’s not uncommon for sex to be not so great the first time you are with a partner.” 

This means the pressure is off for ourselves, too.
 
“Have realistic expectations about first-time sex, so that you allow for it to improve over time as you get to know what each of you wants when it comes to pleasure. 

“Most people are nervous and in their head about it the first time, so it is very likely it will not be your best time. Take a moment to breathe, and know that bad sex doesn’t mean you or your partner are bad lovers. It usually results from communication issues and irrational fears around what the other is thinking or expecting from sex, which fires up performance anxiety.”
 
Another important reminder from Dr. Chavez is that one time of having not-so-great sex is no reason to question a connection. 
 
“Sex is like any activity we do. It takes time to figure out what works and get in a good rhythm around giving and receiving. Don’t jump to conclusions or faulty beliefs about the experience or the person based on one time. Don’t take it personal. There are many reasons that lead to bad sex. Assess what went wrong and what the problem or concern is around sex. 
 
“Remember that sex is a partnered issue, and no one person is responsible for the outcome. It may help to notice within yourself what went wrong such as the pace, activities that were chosen, not enough communication, or feeling too much pressure to please each other. 

“Work on a reframe around what sex is really about for you with this partner. Sex is connection and play. The expectations around sex should be realistic and not based on an unattainable fantasy. It is not like we see in the movies. Sex requires good communication and practice.”
 
Sometimes it’s hard to shake that feeling of disappointment after you’ve built someone up in your head from moments of pure chemistry. 

Dr. Chavez assures us that that’s ok. 
 
“Accept the feeling of disappointment, and don’t feel guilty about it. It’s better to embrace the feeling than to deny it or become frustrated by it. It will help with coping and moving past the feeling. Try to not only dwell on the disappointment or what went wrong, but also notice and be aware of what worked or went well and can improve over time.”
 
Lastly, she leaves us with some actionable pointers and generous reminders.
 
“Expectations around sex are usually around performance and not the experience. Sex is not only something we do, but it is an experience we create, and each one is different and unique. Set expectations around how you want to feel in the connection rather than the mechanics of sex and what you are doing. 
 
“Examples are feeling present, focusing on sensations and not the outcome, and giving yourself permission to be vulnerable and creative.

“Most expectations are usually based on past experiences which require a reset to manage expectations and start slow with a new partner and experience. The most realistic expectations around sex should be mutual pleasure and enjoyment. 
 
“Communication issues are always at the root of sex issues. Bring it up with a partner outside of the bedroom and not immediately after sex. Talk about it from the perspective of what you want to improve, rather than a checklist of things that didn’t work. 
 
“For example, if you need more time to warm up and get stimulated, talk to your partner about slowing down and being more mindful during sex because it helps you feel more intense sensations and pleasure. 
 
“Provide feedback for a partner that is constructive and productive towards improvement, rather than critical or shaming. Start with a positive attribute to the experience, and follow that up by what you want to improve or focus on the next time. 
 
“Offer to work together to improve the problem by doing research, reading books, getting toys or products to help, or naming what might be more pleasurable the next time around.”

Shop our sex and love collection:

Shop Zee Bullet Vibrator
Shop Kip Lipstick Vibrator
Shop Dip Basic Vibrator
Shop Pom Flexible Vibrator
Shop Aer Suction Toy
Shop Arc G-Spot Vibrator
Shop Com External Wand Vibrator
Shop Eva Couples Vibrator
Shop Fin Finger Vibrator
Shop Let's Get Closer: Couples Edition
Shop Radiant Love Butter
Shop Biodegradable Intimate Wipes
Shop Refresh Daily Wash
Shop Revive Hydrating Mist
Shop Restore Mask
Shop MunkeyBarz Sex Belt
Shop Sydney Double Strand Pearl Thong & Atame - Black
Shop Sydney Double Strand Pearl Thong & Atame - Ivory
Shop Sydney Double Strand Pearl Thong & Atame - Red
Shop Sydney Double Strand Pearl Thong & Glove - Black
Shop Sydney Double Strand Pearl Thong & Glove - Red
Shop Sydney Double Strand Pearl Thong & Glove Set
Shop Sydney Double Strand Pearl Thong - Black
Shop Sydney Double Strand Pearl Thong - Ivory
Shop Sydney Double Strand Pearl Thong - Red
Shop Sydney Glove - Black
Shop Sydney Glove - Red
Shop Sydney Glove Set

TL;DR

If you’re having amazing sex on the first try with someone new, it’s a fluke. Either that, or congrats—you’re an absolute master in bed.  Give each other grace, and most importantly, abundant, healthy communication. Improving your unique experience together is part of the fun! Manage your expectations, and don't compare your new partner to past lovers.

You may also like...

Go to article Summer’s Over and So Is Your Fling …
Relationships

Summer’s Over and So Is Your Fling …

Go to article The Dos and Don’ts of Dating
Relationships

The Dos and Don’ts of Dating

Related Articles

Goes to article This Communication Tool Helped My Relationship Out of a Rut
Relationships

This Communication Tool Helped My Relationship Out of a Rut

Goes to article What’s Your Support Style? 
Relationships

What’s Your Support Style? 

Goes to article Help! Can Shower Sex Actually Be Good?
Relationships

Help! Can Shower Sex Actually Be Good?

Goes to article Under-$50 Date Ideas
Relationships

Under-$50 Date Ideas

Goes to article Do You Have Dating Anxiety?
Relationships

Do You Have Dating Anxiety?

Goes to article 7 Signs You May Be Emotionally Unavailable
Relationships

7 Signs You May Be Emotionally Unavailable

Goes to article The Dos and Don’ts of Dating
Relationships

The Dos and Don’ts of Dating

Goes to article What’s up With the Expectation That Women Should be in Relationships?
Relationships

What’s up With the Expectation That Women Should be in Relationships?

  • About
  • Contact
  • Terms & Conditions
  • Privacy Policy
  • Cookie Policy
  • California Privacy Rights
  • Affiliate Disclosure
  • Accessibility

Keep in Touch

instagram pinterest facebook twitter youtube join newsletter
Reviewed by Allyant for Accessibility
  • © poosh, llc
    All Rights Reserved