If we’re spending all of our time thinking about the perfect lingerie, if every inch of us is shaved or waxed, and if we’re arching our backs for our imaginary closeup, then let’s be really real—we are not getting off.
Pleasure doesn’t live in the mirror, the mental checklist, or the pressure to look like we’re doing sex “right.” It lives in the body, and the body can’t lock in when the brain is busy directing, judging, or performing.
Emily Morse, Doctor of Human Sexuality, Author of Smart Sex, and host of the Sex With Emily podcast, is someone we trust with our lives (or at least our sex lives). Her direct, deeply human approach to intimacy is why we turned to her for these essential reminders on reconnecting with our partners and ourselves.
1. Shift from performance to presence.
“Most people are trying to perform pleasure instead of experiencing it,” Dr. Emily points out.
“We’re running a mental checklist in our heads instead of feeling in our bodies. Thoughts like, ‘Do I look okay? Is this taking too long? Am I reacting enough? Is this what I’m supposed to like?’
“This internal dialogue pulls us out of sensation and into self-monitoring. Presence is the real shortcut to pleasure, and it’s available to everyone. The nervous system has to feel safe before pleasure can expand, and it can’t feel safe when we’re busy judging ourselves or trying to get it right.”
It makes sense. If you’re thinking only about yourself in terms of the other party’s pleasure, you’re not going to get there. And perhaps an even scarier thought, if they’re doing the same, is anyone really getting there? Oh God, who is this show even for?
Tip:
“Slow the moment down by about 20 percent. Take one full breath before touching, kissing, or engaging. Ask yourself, ‘What do I actually feel right now?’ instead of ‘What should be happening?’” Dr. Emily suggests.
Why it works:
“Pleasure lives in sensation, not outcome. When you stop performing and start noticing, the body naturally becomes more responsive.”
2. Redefine pleasure beyond sex.
“Pleasure isn’t limited to orgasms or even sex,” Dr. Emily reminds us.
Remember how other things can simply feel good? That’s pleasure, too. It’s not limited to explosions of wetness—how monotonous.
“We’ve been taught that pleasure is something you earn, so we rush through meals, skip rest, multitask during moments that could feel good, and tell ourselves we’ll enjoy life later. Many people spend their days meeting everyone else’s needs with no pleasure built in, then expect desire to magically appear at night.”
“Pleasure is about sensation and satisfaction, and the more you allow it into daily life, the easier it is to access all forms of pleasure, including sexual pleasure,” Dr. Emily confides.
Sensuality isn’t a race to the finish line. It brings us back to moments of presence in the pleasures of life with our loved ones
Tip:
“Choose one non-sexual, pleasurable ritual like a warm shower, stretching, music, skincare, food, or rest. Treat it with intention instead of multitasking or rushing through it. Let it be pleasure without a purpose.”
Why it works:
“The body learns pleasure through repetition and safety, not pressure. When pleasure becomes part of daily life, desire feels more accessible instead of something you’re expected to produce on demand.”
3. Communicate curiosity, not expectations.
If you feel like you have to or you’ll disappoint someone if you don’t, you aren’t likely to experience genuine joy. Mandatory pleasure sounds a bit like an oxymoron.
“Pressure is one of the biggest pleasure killers, and it often shows up as unspoken expectations. Maybe your partner wants sex and you feel like you should want it too. Maybe you think you owe it to them, or to yourself, to be in the mood. Or maybe you’re already bracing for how things are supposed to go,” Dr. Emily suggests.
Scarily, these feelings are where many long-term couples’ intimacy begins its slow death or a deep season of ebb.
But Dr. Emily explains, “Desire doesn’t thrive under that kind of pressure. It thrives under curiosity. This is both about releasing internal pressure and changing how we communicate with each other in the moment.”
Tip:
“Don’t save all your intimate communication for heat-of-the-moment questions like, ‘Did you finish?’ or ‘Are you into this?’ Instead, try talking about pleasure outside the bedroom when there’s no pressure to perform.
“Ask questions like, ‘When do you tend to feel most open or connected? What helps you relax into desire, and what shuts it down?’ These kinds of conversations build understanding before your clothes come off, so when you’re in the moment, you’re not guessing or evaluating yourself. You’re responding to what your partner already shared.”
Why It Works:
“Curiosity lowers pressure and keeps the nervous system open. When expectations soften, pleasure has space to unfold naturally instead of being forced.”
Pleasure isn’t a gold star for good behavior or a performance to nail. It’s a practice of presence, curiosity, and softness with yourself and others. When we stop trying to get it right and start getting honest, pleasure doesn’t have to be chased. It meets us right where we are.
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