“Hey babe, Tuesday at 6:30 p.m., I’d like to have sex on the floor, in the doggy style position for eight minutes. Do you have time on your schedule?” That’s what many people envision when they hear the words “scheduled sex.” As a sex therapist, I often recommend scheduling sex to couples. But only certain couples. There are some couples who do very well with scheduling sex, and they find it helpful in recreating sexual intimacy in their relationship. However, there are some couples who will not benefit from scheduling sex at all. I’ll tell you who can schedule sex, who can’t, and why.
Are you in a relationship and rarely feel energized enough to have sex because of work, the kids, and life? Do you feel like your partner always wants sex but you are rarely in the mood? Scheduled sex might be what’s missing in your relationship if you and your partner are satisfied with the relationship otherwise. Scheduling sex does not make sex less satisfying or less spontaneous, but it shows a commitment to prioritize sexual intimacy. Especially if that’s one of the only parts of the relationship that’s lacking attention. We schedule most things that are important to us, and sex is important to many relationships.
Scheduling sex will look different in every relationship, because every relationship has different needs and reasons for scheduling sex. It can work for your relationship if:
1. Your lack of sexual intimacy is due to time conflicts, work issues, and/or the responsibilities of taking care of kids or other loved ones.
2. You already feel connected in other areas of your relationship but avoid sex because you think your libido is too high or too low.
3. You or your partner has a medical issue that limits more spontaneous sex.
When scheduling sex, the approach is very important, especially if you have kids in the house but still want to make sex a priority. Yes! You can have sex with kids in the house—I’ll tell you how later. But first, here are ways to schedule sex. Say this to your partner:
1. When the kids go to sleep, it’s on.
2. If you wake up first, wake me up to taste you.
3. Hey babe, the weekends are ours to devour each other.
4. Whoever wakes up first initiates sex.
5. Meet me in the bathroom tonight.
Those are just a few ways to schedule sex without being extremely formal. This type of approach does not work for couples who are unhappily coupled, considering divorce, or recovering from infidelity or another relationship injury.
If you’re worried about the kids … don’t. Parents don’t like to think of this, but depending on the age of your kid they likely know you’re having sex. Sex isn’t bad or awkward unless you make it that way. If you’re worried about them hearing your sex sounds, try this:
1. Wait until they are asleep.
2. Turn the TV or music up.
3. Have sex in the bathroom while you fill the tub.
4. Have sex outside.
5. Have sex in another area of the house.
Scheduling sex can be exciting. Sex is supposed to be fun. Explore, invent, and reinvent your sexual relationship to keep it fresh. If you find that you’re avoiding sex and feeling guilty, ashamed, or disconnected from your partner, it might be helpful to contact a sex therapist.
Shamyra Howard is a sexologist, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), sex and relationship therapist, and owner of On The Green Couch in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. She specializes in sex and relationship therapy with individuals and couples, including those who identify as LGBTQ+. You can visit her website On The Green Couch for more information about her, her practice, and articles she has contributed to. Find her on Facebook and Instagram as Sexologist Shamyra, or email her questions at [email protected].
