My Partner and I Are Stuck in a Boring Routine—What Do We Do?

Claire Byrne, aka The Heartbreak Coach, answers a Poosh reader who feels like their relationship is stuck in a boring routine.

Recently, my partner and I have been talking about how difficult it is to actually live together. We had been together for one and a half years before moving in together, but neither of us were really prepared for the problems and difficulties that come with sharing the same home.

The problem is that we’ve gotten into a boring routine of just coming home from work and then laying together on the couch watching TV. I think we both find it difficult to come up with something to do that is fun. But we both know that we have to make a change because neither of us is happy in the life we have created together.

So my question to you is this:

How can we make living together more fun, and avoid the boring, everyday routine? Also, any suggestions for activities we can do as a couple?

I really hope that you guys can help me out. It would mean the world.

Dear Bored In Your Relationship,

Good for you and your partner for acknowledging the boredom that’s been percolating, being honest about it with each other, and most importantly, wanting to work on it.

I couldn’t help but notice you say, “Neither of us is happy in the life we created together.”

I personally believe that what makes an overall happy relationship is when two individuals come together as added bonuses in each other’s lives, so I’m just curious:

Are you and your partner independently fulfilled?
Do you have quality friendships separate from one another?
Do you have your own hobbies or passions?
Do you have a sense of purpose in the world, be it your job or something else?
Are you each financially comfortable?
And are you both taking care of your physical health?

This last question might seem random but creating a well-rounded life—physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually—greatly impacts our romantic partnerships.

I’m not suggesting that every duck needs to be perfectly lined up in a row in order to be fulfilled in a relationship, but it was just a hunch that something else might be lacking, given that you also said you guys lay on the couch and watch TV after work.

So, if the answer is no to any of the above questions, I’d suggest you each fill those empty or close-to-empty cups first, before coming up with creative activities to do as a couple.

Once you get going on your individual fulfillment, or if you already feel independently right with yourselves, here are some suggestions to make things more fun between the two of you:

1. Feng shui your home.

Enhance your new shared space with this ancient Chinese approach to balancing peace and harmony in your physical environment. Work on your love corner which will inspire reigniting the flame. (You can look up feng shui bagua charts online to figure out where it is in your living space.)

Make sure you have matching bedside tables in your bedroom, and get some pretty pink rose quartz crystals to call in more romantic energy. Or, if there’s another area in your or your partner’s life that needs a little extra attention, give some love to those areas too, whether it’s health, career, or money. And if feng shui is a little out there for you, just make sure you’re living in a beautiful environment that invites you to come home for rest and connection.

2. Plan a date night in advance.

Plan to meet somewhere after work, so you won’t be tempted to crash at home. Go to your favorite restaurant, or try a new eating place that’s highly recommended. Most importantly, discuss each other’s day on date night. What’s on their mind and heart, and what’s on yours?

3. Prioritize your sex life.

Forgive me for getting so personal as you didn’t say that anything was lacking in the bedroom, but just in case, prioritize having sex! Life can be boring at times, and we all get in ruts—even in the best relationships.

As important as it is to talk things through and share what’s on each other’s mind, connecting with each other physically will for sure keep things less boring. Spice it up. Buy new lingerie, or do something that you think will pleasantly turn your partner on, as long as it feels comfortable and fun for you, too.

4. Plan a double date.

I love dates with my partner, but double dates remind me of how extra proud I am that he’s mine. I love the way he engages with our friends, asks thoughtful questions, makes people laugh, brings a lot of intelligence to the conversation, and puts his hand on my back all at the same time.

In return, I think he appreciates what I bring to a conversation with mutual friends, which makes me feel seen and loved in a different way than if it was just us hanging out most nights.

5. Make separate plans.

Enjoy missing each other a night or two a week. The healthiest and happiest relationships all need some space from time to time. Remembering what it’s like to crave time with your partner (even if you’re having fun doing something else) and be excited to hear about who they hung out with or whatever activity they engaged in, will for sure help diffuse the boredom. Go catch up with a good friend or take a class on a topic you are curious or passionate about.

6. Pick an activity you both enjoy or would like to learn.

Sorry. I know you asked me, but I really think this is such a personal question and given that I don’t know you or your partner at all, and don’t know if you live in a city or a small town, this is hard for me to suggest. I personally enjoy bowling, going for scenic walks, wine tasting, trying new restaurants, returning to old ones, or preparing a new, albeit simple, recipe at home.

I love sushi, and if you do too, perhaps you could take a sushi-making class or try some other new culinary skill? Search for what’s happening in your community. Ask your partner to do the same, and see what tickles their own curiosity or fancy. And if you’re still stuck, circle back to Number Three. 😉

Are activities important in the sense that they invite fun and connection into a relationship? Absolutely. But there is so much more you can do without putting pressure on yourself to find something creative to find more happiness and stimulation with each other.

Also, don’t forget that there’s still beauty in being so comfortable with each other that you can collapse with your partner on the couch after a long day.

It’s all about balance, right?

I hope my advice helps. I’d love to hear back on how it all worked out if you decide to take it.

Love,
Claire