We live in an increasingly sex-positive world, where sex is finally being recognized as a fundamental part of good health. The sexual wellness space is a testament to that!
This shift has helped liberate people, enabling them to shed some of the long-standing stigmas and shame linked with sexuality. There are plenty of positives, but I’ve also noticed that these newfound attitudes present their own challenges, especially when it comes to understanding and setting sexual boundaries.
Growing up with shame and anxiety around sex can impact how a person develops their sexual sense of self, which includes sexual boundaries. In a sexually liberated society, this lack of internal awareness can lead to confusion around what aligns with a person’s personal desires and limits.
While people might not have connected the two, I believe that to utilize this sex-positive cultural shift, boundaries are a necessary part of the journey. Sexual boundaries are intertwined with sexual liberation. It’s not just about having more sex. It’s about being empowered to make choices that deepen your connection to your sexual self.
The remnants of the 2000s c*ck-tease culture, coupled with prevailing pressure for casual hookups, have created a confusing and sometimes harmful sexual landscape for single people. This narrative can push people—particularly women and those socialized as women—into agreeing to sexual experiences for fear of being labeled a prude or a tease. It may feel scary to declare that you want to take it slow or get to know them first.
When I opened this topic up on my social media, I had an overwhelming response from people saying they feel this pressure and are embarrassed to say that they want to ease into it. It’s also something that comes up often in my sex therapy sessions. People are feeling it, and not enough people are talking about it.
Setting Boundaries for Better Sex
If you have felt hookup pressure in your dating life, this is your reminder that it’s not only OK to set boundaries, it’s sexy too.
Setting and communicating boundaries is essential for a healthy, satisfying sex life. It helps your future sexual partner understand you better, which leads to a deeper connection. Boundaries also allow you to focus on the flirting and mental foreplay that happens at the start of a new fling—the eye contact, arms brushing up against each other, the kiss at the end of the date—all of that good stuff. Some even say this is their favorite part of dating.
Also, building anticipation through flirting and foreplay can be such a turn-on because it builds desire. And the more desire you have for a sexual experience, the more satisfying it will (usually) be when you finally have it.
Moral of the story: If you want to wait, make them wait.
Laura Miano is a Melbourne-based sexologist and co-founder of Posmo, a sex toy concept store and pleasure project celebrating unique expressions of human sexuality.
The content provided in this article is provided for information purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice and consultation, including professional medical advice and consultation; it is provided with the understanding that Poosh, LLC (“Poosh”) is not engaged in the provision or rendering of medical advice or services. The opinions and content included in the article are the views of the author only, and Poosh does not endorse or recommend any such content or information, or any product or service mentioned in the article. You understand and agree that Poosh shall not be liable for any claim, loss, or damage arising out of the use of, or reliance upon any content or information in the article.
Shop our relationships collection:
Kourtney x Barker Wellness
Kourtney x Barker Wellness
You ask, we answer. Send your relationship questions to [email protected], and one of our experts may just answer them in an upcoming column.
