Romantic partnerships involve two individuals working together to improve each other’s lives. Recognizing and utilizing each other’s unique strengths is crucial for the success of the partnership.
Finances can be a major source of tension in any relationship, whether you are newly dating, in a long-term partnership, or already married. Salary fluctuations and career trajectories can leave one person earning more or feeling satisfied in their career while the other may be experiencing unemployment or embarking on a career change.
Women today are becoming high-achievers and may be the primary breadwinners in their relationships. This dynamic shift can create power imbalances, even among the most loving couples. As a licensed therapist, I’d like to share some red flags to look out for that signal when your relationship may be heading towards unhealthy territories. I’m also suggesting solutions if you find yourself in this power dynamic.
1. The higher-earning partner feels entitled to control of the finances, or they keep their partner in the dark about financial decisions. Society has conditioned us to associate greater wealth with greater status and power, but this should not apply to relationships. Major decisions that affect both partners should always be joint, regardless of who earns more.
2. Contempt is a major red flag and can be defined as a lack of respect for your partner that is fueled by anger and resentment. It’s important to be aware of any feelings of contempt in your relationship. It’s not uncommon for one person in a relationship to feel like they’re doing all the heavy lifting, especially if they have been out-earning their partner.
This can lead to resentment if the issue isn’t discussed and resolved. To prevent this, try involving your partner in all major financial decisions by seeking out their opinion and leveraging their knowledge and strengths.
Couples with a significant income disparity may find it appropriate to divide joint expenses such as rent or vacations proportionately to each partner’s income, rather than splitting them 50/50. Recognizing and appreciating your partner’s non-financial contributions to the relationship is essential, as is determining a balanced, fair distribution of responsibilities based on each partner’s strengths.
If you are experiencing success in your career, it can be difficult to witness your partner struggling or depressed by theirs. Remember that you and your partner are on the same team. You should be able to celebrate your achievements without feeling guilty or worrying about upsetting your partner. Start by expressing the changes you’ve noticed in your partner, and practice active listening without jumping in to fix it for them. Your partner first needs to feel heard and understood.
Help them come up with a plan to address their situation, like identifying the root causes of the problem, changing what is in their immediate control, and possibly exploring new career paths. It’s important to set realistic goals and encourage them to seek support from friends, family, a therapist, or a career coach.
You ask, we answer. Send your relationship questions to [email protected], and one of our experts may just answer them in an upcoming column.
