Hello again, dear friend Anonymous. Welcome back to our sex talk column where readers submit questions, and we do our research to craft a story in answer. The topic of our latest submission: how to have phone and/or Facetime sex.
We tapped sexologist Rebecca Alvarez Story, founder of Bloomi, and Dr. Carol Queen, Ph.D., staff sexologist at Good Vibes, for their best advice, which we share below.
Phone and FaceTime Sex Tips
“First and foremost, make sure your partner is available for phone/video sex before calling them,” Rebecca says. “Sending a quick message allows them to move into a private, comfortable space where they can fully relax and prepare for intimacy.”
2. Talk about it beforehand.
“If this is your first time having phone/video sex, I recommend talking about phone sex leading up to it,” Rebecca advises. “Are you both cool with it? Would your partner enjoy it? What would make it feel fun for each of you?”
But even if it’s not your first rodeo, talking beforehand is a good idea. “Think about what your interests and limits are before you even begin,” says Dr. Queen. “Are there acts, topics and/or words that are extra erotic for you? Are there others you do not enjoy seeing/hearing about or engaging in/uttering? You can negotiate these kinds of pros and cons as part of talking about having phone/video sex, just as you can negotiate other preferences.”
“Plan where you’ll physically be at your place and if you want to be on video,” Rebecca says. “Are you holding the phone and giving them sneak peaks of your body during sex, or do you prefer to be hands-free and start with just phone sex?”
4. Embrace the awkwardness.
Phone/video sex can feel a bit awkward sometimes, especially if it’s one of the first few times. “It’ll never feel exactly like in-person sex, and that’s OK. One of you might drop your phone or not know what to say next, but try to have fun with it.”
5. Allow your natural noises to come out.
“Sound can be a great turn on. As you engage in solo pleasure, allow yourself to be as authentic in your movements and noises as possible,” Rebecca suggests.
6. Play with eye contact.
“Just as if you were physically together, making eye contact with your partner during sex makes it much more intimate,” says Rebecca. “It’s the same with sex through the camera.”
7. Don’t forget after-care.
“Once you are done with your session together, ask how it felt for them. Share how it felt for you,” Rebecca says. “What was nice? Focusing on the positive things reinforces trying it again, if you want.”
“When you’re not physically together, it’s important to really use your imagination and work on your communication,” Rebecca shares. “Tell your partner what you would want them to do if they were there. You can use your hands and pretend it’s them.”
“Think about whether you want to include any extras—sexy garments, sex toys, etc. Dressing up can amp up the erotic charge for yourself and a partner. It can also, if you wish, help open the door to roleplay,” Dr. Queen says.
“Pretending to be someone you’re not can be hot and help shape the scenario. And the language you use—it’s like erotic improv! It can help guide you through play because roles are so often associated with particular kinds of sex or specific fantasies. Choose a safe word so you can exit the role if it is not going in a comfortable direction. (This, too, can be negotiated up front.)”
9. If you’re feeling tongue-tied…
“Try thinking about something you are really into. It might be easier to talk about that,” Dr. Queen says.
“An easy go-to is talking about what you are doing in the moment and how it feels. You can basically narrate as you masturbate. ‘I’m sliding my hand over my ___, and it feels so ___!’”
“Alternatively, narrate what your partner is doing (if you can see them on video) or what you’d like to see them do if you were watching. You can also talk about fantasies or sexual experiences you’ve had in the past.”
(Note: If you are sharing these with a different person than the one you had the experience with, think of their privacy in deciding how to describe them, etc.)
10. Trust your instincts.
That said, you should never feel pressured. “Trust your instincts, and look for people you can trust to treat you with respect.” Dr. Queen says. “Please think this through, and don’t do anything you do not feel good about. It defeats the purpose of having sexy fun.”
In the same vein, have a privacy strategy. Maybe that looks like not doing video with strangers or keeping your face in the shadows.
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Rebecca Alvarez Story, sexologist and founder of Bloomi, believes the key to improving intimacy is the holistic sex education that many of us never received. As a nationally sought-after sexologist and developer of clean intimate care products, she helps people understand that sex can be fulfilling if you take the initiative to understand the evolving needs of your body.
Rebecca is a BIPOC and Latina entrepreneur and pioneer in the intimate health space. She graduated from UC Berkeley with a major in sexual wellness and holds a Master’s in Sexuality Studies.
Dr. Carol Queen is more than just a sexologist and an educator. She is a visionary who has been and remains at the forefront of championing open dialogue about human sexuality and pleasure.
A true trailblazer, Carol’s career spans over four decades and positions her as a continued catalyst for change, both as a staff sexologist at Good Vibes and as the curator of the Antique Vibrator Museum, a unique institution that delves into the historical evolution of sexual pleasure devices.
With four books under her belt, including the provocative Real Live Nude Girl: Chronicles of Sex-Positive Culture and the groundbreaking Exhibitionism for the Shy, Carol has been an unyielding advocate for enhancing erotic self-esteem. She is also a much sought-after voice on sexual diversity, safety, and enhancement. Her expertise takes her all over the world and across every area of media, sharing her unique wealth of knowledge and experience.
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