It’s pretty easy to clock when you’re dating someone selfish, but where you might make his self-absorption a bit more complicated is when you still hold on because he seems to check off a lot more boxes compared to past partners.
Editor’s note: Although this article uses male pronouns, the advice applies to all sexual orientations and gender identities.
He’s attractive, overall nice, and faithful, and, amazingly, he wants the same things you want, so when his selfish ways pop up, you find yourself justifying that it’s OK and suppressing what actually isn’t OK, because you’re so ready to make it work with a “good guy.”
I did this.
I dated someone I had great chemistry with and felt so much relief that I finally met a trustworthy person who was ambitious and wanted the same things I wanted, but I was exhausted trying to feel like we were a team when really, it was all about him.
No matter how much you have in common and how badly you want to make it work with someone who’s way better than the rest, based on personal experience and from what I’ve observed many of my clients struggle through, you’re way better off dating yourself, versus a predominantly selfish person.
Here are five signs you’re dating someone selfish.
It’s all about his schedule.
Now, in some cases, because of his job or he has kids, your relationship might have to revolve around his schedule, in order to make it work. This is very different from someone who never asks what’s on your agenda and simply tells you his availability with the expectation that you’ll adjust to times that work for him, with no acknowledgment or appreciation for your accommodation and flexibility.
It’s all about him in the bedroom.
It’s his way or the highway. He does what pleases him and expects you do to do what pleases him, and you find yourself giving way more than what you’re getting.
He doesn’t ask about your day.
Or maybe he does, but when you try to share, you know it’s falling on deaf ears. He doesn’t put effort or interest into what you’re sharing or have anything thoughtful to offer on a subject or event that’s important to you.
You find yourself mostly doing the things he wants to do.
Maybe it’s regularly going to his restaurant of choice, or you find yourself showing up way more for the events that pertain to him, his family, and his friends, over yours.
The relationship progresses based on his readiness.
The relationship is made official because he’s ready. You move in together because he’s ready. He doesn’t inquire or pause to consider what your thoughts are about where you’re at in the relationship. It’s assumed that you’re already all in, and he gets to decide what’s next and when.
Your needs are belittled and/or dismissed.
You’re asking to feel heard. You’re asking for your way … even once in a while. You express your concerns that the relationship tends to be all about him and his needs, and he just doesn’t really want to hear it, hear YOU, and therefore doesn’t care to make changes that would help you feel like you’re more a part of a team.
Yes, life is short, but a relationship for a lifetime with a selfish partner makes for a very long, lonely, exhausting existence, constantly putting your needs to the side, in order to just be with this kind of person.
If you’re dating someone who’s demonstrating a majority of these signs, to put it quite bluntly, RUN GIRL, RUN.
Claire Byrne is a heartbreak/finding-love coach, and the host of her podcast, Stop Wanting Him Back & Find Someone Better. Click here for more information on her group program.
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