As wise lowercase girls like Olivia Rodrigo and Taylor Swift have taught us, there’s no shame in being in your feelings. It’s healthy and encouraged. But what isn’t a vibe is consistently taking others’ words and actions personally or using them as evidence of flaws within yourself.
You can still be salty when you get passed up for that promotion you def deserved or if you find out your bestie said something behind your back. But doing it all the time majorly messes with your rizz.
Maria G. Sosa, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, says that taking things personally becomes a concern when “we start to notice that we’re frequently obsessing, ruminating, or catastrophizing interactions.”
She emphasizes that being self-aware and taking ownership of our actions are positive traits, but “always thinking that something is our fault or we’ve done something wrong, that’s the point where it becomes a cognitive distortion.”
According to Maria, it can harm self-esteem and can also deteriorate our overall mental health. “We may start to believe that there is something categorically wrong with who we are. It may be hard to differentiate between a behavior (I made a mistake) and a personal shortcoming (I am a mistake). This is a slippery slope which can lead to thinking we’re worthless.”
Maria shares four actionable tips for how to regain being master of your domain.
There’s a reason the saying, “We’re our own worst critic” exists, and Maria wants to remind people to tune out that little voice in our heads, and take a step back to assess. “Look at the sequence of events from an observational perspective,” she says. “Remove yourself from the narrative, and look at what happened—just the facts, not the interpretation.”
2. Challenge the story you’re telling yourself.
Thinking something doesn’t make it true. “Look at the assumptions you’re making, and ask if they’re rational or irrational,” Sosa advises. She also suggests questioning the narrative about how it’s related to you or how you’re to blame instead of blindly accepting your original story.
3. Look for other possible explanations.
Yes, our fabulousness is unmatched. But it’s important to recognize when we may be so vain, we think every song (or action) is about us. Sosa suggests looking for other triggers before pointing the finger at ourselves. “Is it possible that the other person was having a bad day?” she asks. “Look for other scenarios that can explain the situation instead of centering on yourself.”
4. Give yourself grace and compassion.
Sometimes, it’s true that it’s me. But when that’s the case, there’s no reason to spiral or, worse, play the blame game. “Even if you have done something wrong, you’re a human being. It’s ok to make mistakes,” Sosa says. Instead of focusing on the problem you caused, find a solution. “Look for ways to repair it instead of getting stuck in shame.”
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