Hello again, dear friend Anonymous. Welcome back to our sex talk column where readers submit questions, and we do our research and then craft a story to answer as many as we can. This week we tapped Cheryl Fagan, sexpert and founder of On Top, to provide advice on making the first move. She’s also responsible for deeply explaining holistic sexuality and how to last longer in bed to our readers.
We know you’re antsy for the answer, so we’ll let her take it from here.
I Want to Hook Up with the Person I'm Currently Seeing. How Can I Make the First Move?
“You’ll know. If you truly want to, your body and soul will show you what to do in the moment. It’s your mind that has you second-guessing.
Is the connection mutual, real, electric? It’s instinctive*. If you feel like it’s not instinctive, either:
a. You start overthinking, and you don’t know what to do (this is a block**, there is some conditioning to work through) OR
b. You actually don’t want to be there in that moment making the move, and your psychological ego (which is maybe wanting some sort of external validation) is telling you that you should want to make the first move (out of fear of losing the person, or maybe trying to impress).
If you genuinely want physical connection and sexual intimacy, your whole self will tell you. Mind, body, and soul will guide you. Trust your gut here with what to do.
Once you’ve worked out those behind-the-scenes details, here’s a handy checklist:
1. Communication: tell the person you desire them. Rather than worrying about what to do or techniques, just be upfront and see where it leads. I promise, telling someone you want them and that you desire them sexually is a major turn-on.
2. Check in with your sexual self-esteem: how you feel about your body impacts the sexual choices you make, so if you’re not feeling sexy and empowered, this can impact your ability to be forthcoming with your desires. If you don’t like how you feel about your body, consider how you’d like to feel, and then think of three small steps to do that can help you feel that.
3. Embrace a sexual archetype, an expander if you will—someone you look up to who embraces their sexuality in a way you admire or wish you could. If you’re able to see that in someone else or a character, you have that ability to embrace and embody that too. E.g., Scarlett Johansson in Vicky Cristina Barcelona—she is definitely making the first move and confidently going after her desires.
4. Go for it.
*It’s important to point out that, while it’s instinctive to know what you want to do, consent is necessary, and you want to make sure the person is reciprocating the same vibe as you. This can be partially conveyed by body language, eye contact, both partners feeling safe and respected, and a romantic setting, but honestly communicating is most important.
**A block is a limiting belief held in the subconscious that developed as a reactionary response to a negative experience. You can have blocks about the type of woman who makes the first move, so reflect on the story you’re telling yourself here. It’s A-OK for a woman to make the first move—own it. We give you permission.”
Shop our sex and love collection:
Up next, be the first to know our weekly content and sign up for our Poosh newsletter.