Ghosting.
We’ve ALL been there … or perhaps just this heartbreak coach?!
I went on the loveliest first date with a pretty dreamy dude. He told me prior to the date that he had dinner plans after, but we were hitting it off so well, he pooshed his plans back, and a second round of drinks, laughter, and flirtation ensued.
When my Uber pulled up (which he politely walked me to), he planted the softest, lingering smooch on my lips, gazed adoringly into my eyes, and said:
I really don’t wanna leave.
Two days later, HE UNMATCHED ME.
What a DOUCHE! How did I not see that coming?! Did I MAKE UP that he didn’t want to leave, or did he actually say that?!
This guy was so good, he had me gas-lighting MYSELF.
So naturally, I replayed the date 87 times in my head and to my sister-friends, hoping to uncover the MISSED SIGNS so that I could a) avoid indulging the belief that I was stupid, and b) figure out how to prevent ever getting ghosted again.
Two years later, I wish I could tell you my detective work has solved the mystery of why people ghost or how to prevent being on the receiving end. But despite my best efforts, another dude reached out for a SECOND date, and when I responded with “How does Saturday sound?,” I never heard from him again.
At the end of the day, there’s no foolproof way to avoid getting ghosted, but here are a few pointers on how to heal from him POOSH-ing into thin air.
Excuse me—POOFING!
1) Nip Feeling Stupid in the Bud
Don’t allow yourself to feel stupid about him being too spineless to be direct. Taking on someone else’s shortcomings adds more shame to a situation you’re already feeling crappy about. Shit happens when we date. Indulging the idea that you’re stupid because you didn’t see it coming is super unkind to yourself. Would you tell a friend who got ghosted that she was stupid?
2) Don't Take It Personally
I know. Easier said than done. However, when you let your mind make the ghosting about YOU, you’re giving him way too much credit to define your worth. We can’t all be made for each other, and of course you’re allowed to feel bummed about the disappearing act, but believing YOU’RE the reason he ghosted versus HIM being the reason he ghosted only creates more suffering for YOU.
3) Judge Away in a Safe Space
Get it out. It’s OK to feel pissed off and disappointed. Lean on a supportive friend, coach, and/or therapist to move through all the automatic, triggering thoughts and emotions. Consciously processing and talking out how you feel is always the answer.
4) Ask yourself, "Where am I ghosting MYSELF in my life?"
Now that you’ve spewed your judgments about him off your chest, it’s time to go inward. Whenever we’re triggered—EVEN IF YOU WERE THE GHOSTEE and feel very justified in thinking he’s the worst—there’s always a deeper lesson for YOU. How are you ghosting, or not showing up for you? What’s your relationship like with your body? Your career? Your finances? Have you consciously healed your last relationship? Put your focus on growing and loving yourself, versus being in his business about how you think he should have treated you. The sooner you start giving ALL aspects of you the respect and love you’re seeking from someone else, the closer you’ll be to attracting the right guy who is a mirror reflection of your love for you.
Claire Byrne is a heartbreak/finding-love coach, and the host of her podcast, Stop Wanting Him Back & Find Someone Better. Click here for more information on her group program.
