Tony Frank
ICYMI, we’ve discussed attachment styles here at Poosh before. Our hope is that it’s helped some put a name to certain issues within ourselves, or recognize those modes in friends and lovers to better understand and navigate relationships. But just because we can put a name to our patterns doesn’t mean they’re set in stone forevermore. It’s important to be ever-evolving. Constant self-improvement is the name of the game in life and love.
Yasmine Cheyenne is a writer, teacher, and advocate for mental health, known for her transformative teachings around self-healing. She gave us the low-down on some common attachment styles and how to break ourselves free from these often destructive patterns.
“People who have avoidant attachment steer clear of being in relationships out of fear of disappointment because there’s a belief that people can’t be trusted. With this attachment style, you’re more likely to avoid getting too close to people and may also consider yourself as someone who doesn’t ‘need people.’
Ways to shift this mindset:
It’s helpful to explore your fears around trusting people by asking yourself questions like: ‘What am I afraid will happen if I let people in? Was there a situation where I let someone in and I was let down? How can I begin working through this now?’ Although tough, disappointment is a normal part of relationships, because no one will be able to meet all of your needs in the way you desire them to be met. Communicate how you feel in your relationships by saying that you’re afraid to get hurt if you’re vulnerable. It’s scary to let people in, but remind yourself that you are capable of creating relationships that are built on trust.”
“Avoidants primarily have fears around trusting others, so they avoid relationships. People who have anxious attachment may be more likely to feel insecure in their relationships, especially when people decide to do things without them [aka do their own thing, hang out with friends without them, etc.].
Ways to shift this mindset:
First, remind yourself that just because people are choosing to do things without you, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you—even though it feels that way and it may feel very real. Then, ask yourself what you need to feel loved and safe in your relationships. Would you like to know ahead of time when events will take place without you? Would you like to have a conversation with friends to help them understand how the lack of invitation makes you feel? The internal conversation is an important step because it’ll help you communicate your needs and feelings with others. Be compassionate with yourself when these feelings come up and know that talking these feelings through may be uncomfortable, but it helps to clear the air and move forward.”
“People who have secure attachment don’t often feel threatened by their friends doing things with other people. With this attachment style, you’re more likely to feel confident and secure with where you stand in your relationships.
Ways to shift this mindset:
This is actually a healthy way of being in relationships, but it doesn’t mean you’re completely out of the woods! Even though your way of relating to others may be healthier, the people you’re in relationships with may have a different attachment style than you. Understanding the attachment styles of others will help you support their needs and perhaps any needs you may have that you’re unaware of as well.”
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