You asked, we’re answering. And it’s not just, uhm, for a friend. The question of how to get and stay wet during a whole session of play is an excellent one, and one with a multifaceted answer.
Vaginas are beautiful, enigmatic, magical, and elusive as hell, even to those of us who are proud vagina owners. We may be feeling in the mood, but that doesn’t mean we’ve been properly turned on. It also doesn’t mean magical juicy lady boners perfectly timed to match our sexy duration.
We brought in the smartest, sexiest guns we know for the job, Dr. Kate Balestrieri, to help address this amazing question from one of our lovely readers. Dr. Balestrieri is a Licensed Psychologist, Certified Sex Therapist, and founder of Modern Intimacy, in Los Angeles, Miami, and Chicago.
We adore talking to her about these things because she knows that there is no one state of perfectly “normal,” and it’s important to know ourselves and work with our bodies and our chemistry. Here is what she has to say.
“Ensure you are properly turned on (or think you can be).
It is challenging to stay lubricated without being properly turned on. While it may take a little time for your body to get warmed up, once you get going, if you feel your interest waning, take some time to enrich your internal fantasies or the scenario with your partner. Turn on some erotic material, if that helps you stay aroused, or some sexy music. Before you are sexual, let your partner know what turns you on and make sure you’re in the right headspace.
Stay present and listen to your body.
Our bodies are remarkable in their sophistication and simplicity. During sex, if you stay present with the physical sensations of your body, you will notice when you start losing interest in one activity and start to feel less lubricated, so you can make adaptations, take a break, or change it up more readily, helping you stay wet longer.
Novelty can be wildly exciting, even if the change is something subtle and not drastic. Change positions, move to a different room in your living space, self-pleasure with each other, or switch from penetration to oral sex for a while. Slow things down, or speed them up. Ask for a G- or A-spot massage. Creating a spark of something new mid-romp can set off a chain reaction of extra excitation and keep your body salivating for more.
Focusing on genitals or penetration alone may not do the trick to keep you well lubricated and excited. Staying aroused, and lubricated, is a much easier task when you include the stimulation of different parts of the body. Ask your partner to kiss, touch, blow on, squeeze, tickle, lick, rub, or nibble the back of your neck, your stomach, the lobes of your ears, your inner thighs, nipples, or anywhere else on your body that feels good for you.
Unless humiliation is your kink, shame is a detriment to arousal. Shame related to sexual fantasies, behaviors, fears, history, or expectations can make it difficult to open up and be fully immersed in the experience. Sex is a natural and healthy physical and relational expression, so work on shifting your sexual mindset to one that is sex-positive and shame-intolerant, so your body gets the message that it is safe and acceptable to get wet and wild.
Tell your partner what you want. Say ‘no’ when something isn’t working for you, or you are not in the mood. Say ‘yes’ when something feels good or right. This helps you and your partner stay in sync, which tells your body it is safe to be sexual. Safe, seen, and respected leads to more lubricated and enjoyable sex.
Well-hydrated bodies have more opportunities for lubrication. Be mindful of alcohol or other dehydrating food or beverages and be sure to have plenty of water on hand, before and during sexual activity.
Not only is there no shame in using lubrication, but it can also offer tremendous staying power for longer periods of sex and pleasure and help ease away pain during sex. Our bodies have natural ebbs and flows in terms of arousal, hydration, and lubrication. Most synthetic lubrications are safe to use with condoms and sex toys, but read the labels to be sure. Some arousal serums even have additional ingredients to increase sensation.
Some medical conditions, changes in hormones, or medications may make systemic dehydration more likely, and lubrication during sex less likely. It is a good idea to check with your physician if you are concerned about a medical basis for vaginal dryness, to ensure you know all the options for treatment that may be available to you.
Work with a sex therapist.
Ruling out technique or a medical or physiological complication, arousal is largely relational and psychological. Working with a sex therapist can help you address any underlying fears, negative beliefs, relational distress, trauma, insecurities, or questions that may be impacting your arousal potential, so you can improve the quality of your sexual experience.”
Honestly, we’re so relieved (even if a little frustrated) to learn that it’s not just us, or a defunct vagina, that can cause bumps in the road during sex. Multiple factors come into play, and all it really takes is awareness and knowing our bodies, moods, and states, as well as staying healthy, hydrated, and in sync with our partners. Time to test the waters. Pun intended.
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