Attachment styles are influenced by the way love was shown to us in our childhoods. Your style (anxious, avoidant, anxious-avoidant, and secure) can impact every area of your relationships, including how you behave in the bedroom.
“Relationships and sex can be so complicated with so many misunderstandings. Understanding attachment styles sheds light on emotional triggers surrounding intimacy,” says Dr. Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D. “It can help couples avoid miscommunication and emotional hurt, enabling them to approach sex with greater presence, empathy, and understanding. Knowing how you and your partner respond to closeness and vulnerability allows for healthier and practical conversations about needs, desires, and boundaries.”
Not sure what your attachment style is? This post can help you figure it out.
Once you have that sorted, read on to see how your style shows up in the bedroom. Plus, get advice for creating a more fulfilling sex life.
Those with this attachment style have a fear of rejection and abandonment. “Anxious attachment often leads to seeking reassurance through sex, using it as a way to feel close and validated,” explains Dr. Gunsaullus.
Advice: “Practice self-soothing techniques (e.g., intentional breathing techniques or mentally reframing unhelpful beliefs) before and after intimacy, and focus on building emotional connection and security outside the bedroom,” Dr. Gunsaullus says.
Avoidant Attachment Style
Dr. Gunsaullus says that avoidant individuals have a “reluctance” to engage fully in intimate experiences and may disconnect emotionally during sex, focusing on the physical act to maintain distance.
Advice: “Work on being more present emotionally during sex (e.g., notice your distracting thoughts, and choose to focus on the physical sensations and caring for another person), and engage in slower, more sensual experiences to foster mindfulness and vulnerability,” she suggests.
Anxious-Avoidant Attachment Style
“Anxious-avoidant (or disorganized) styles combine both approaches, creating a push-pull dynamic where intimacy is both desired and feared,” Dr. Gunsaullus says. Because of this unpredictability and emotional conflict, it can be “difficult to build trust and consistency in the sexual relationship,” she says.
Advice: Communicate clearly about emotions, and take things slowly to reduce the fear of intimacy. Journaling, therapy, or coaching can help process internal conflicts and gain insights in how to connect differently.
Good news for those of you who fall into this category. “Those with a secure attachment tend to be comfortable with both emotional and physical intimacy,” Dr. Gunsaullus says. “They’re likely to communicate openly about desires and boundaries, leading to a more balanced, fulfilling sex life. Their confidence in the relationship helps them stay attuned to their partner’s needs and adapt to different situations without feeling threatened.”
Advice: “Continue fostering open communication about desires and boundaries, talk through your concerns in a responsible and practical way, and maintain trust and mutual pleasure in your sexual relationship,” she says. “Even with secure attachment, partners may need to exercise patience and creativity when experiencing a partner’s emotional blocks.”
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