Obviously, having friends is important. So why is it so hard to maintain friendships as an adult?
We tapped existential psychotherapist, mental health expert, and author Dr. Sara Kuburic to share the answer to that question and give some tips for keeping your friendships alive.
What are some of the main reasons people struggle to maintain friendships as adults?
“As adults, our schedules become increasingly hectic, making it challenging to find time for calls, dinners, or binge-watching parties,” Dr. Kuburic says. “When we get busy or have periods of no contact, we may start to share less and do fewer activities that strengthen our bonds.”
“The importance of adult friendships is often overlooked. Since we rarely hear about the significance of maintaining friendships, it can become a lower priority. We are bombarded with people telling us we need to nurture our relationships with our partners, siblings, parents, or children, but rarely is the same amount of emphasis placed on friendships,” she says.
“Adulthood brings significant changes and personal growth, which can put pressure on maintaining relationships based on history, rather than nurturing new connections that align with our current selves,” explains Dr. Kuburic. “Maybe we are struggling to maintain a particular friendship because it no longer resonates with us.”
Dr. Kuburic’s tips for keeping your friendships alive and healthy:
1. Stay connected regularly.
“Instead of lengthy catch-up calls (unless that is your thing), send short texts, pictures, or voice memos to keep the connection ongoing without demanding large amounts of time.”
2. Send thoughtful gestures.
“Surprise friends with ‘no reason’ gifts like handwritten letters, treats from their favorite bakery, or a small gift left at their door or desk with a personal note.”
3. Share your changes.
“Keep friends informed about your life changes. Growing and not sharing these updates can lead to misunderstandings, frustrations, and disconnection (for both individuals). If you want someone to meet you where you are, you need to tell them where you are.”
4. Practice safe vulnerability.
“Share your feelings and thoughts with friends who are supportive and trustworthy. Your degree of vulnerability will dictate the degree of intimacy.”
5. Manage expectations.
“Understand that not every friend needs to fulfill all your needs, and not every friend will be equally close. Be realistic about your capacity and the different roles friends play in your life.”
The Importance of Friendships
“As I’ve grown older, I’ve come to realize that friendships are as crucial as romantic relationships, each playing a unique and significant role in our lives,” Dr. Kuburic says. “Without friendships, we risk placing unrealistic expectations on our partners to fulfill all the roles that a supportive community would typically provide.
“We also miss out on sharing our experiences, exploring and learning together, and finding meaning that only intimacy can provide. Friendships offer understanding with a mere glance, support during tough times, the comfort of shared silence, and the celebration of our successes. Friends are life companions who shape and witness our personal journey, while playing a significant role in who we become.”
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