Even the greatest loves of all time are going to experience conflict. The key, then, is not to try to avoid it, but to learn how to handle it in a healthy way.
According to The Gottman Institute, which has been studying relationships for over 50 years, “in healthy conflicts, the goal isn’t to win but to understand and accept each other.”
And understanding how your partner approaches conflict is an important aspect of this, which is why they recommend taking some time to ask your partner these four open-ended questions:
- How was conflict handled in your family growing up
- How do you feel about anger? How was it expressed in your family growing up?
- How can I best support you when you’re feeling angry
- How do you like to make up after an argument?
Then what do you do with this knowledge? Below, Certified Gottman Couples Therapist Kimberly Panganiban, MA, LMFT, shares three tips for putting your learnings into practice.
“The first tip I would give actually happens during the discussion, and that is to write down what your partner says. It is easy to forget things, so having some notes you can go back and reflect on is key,” she says.
“Change often happens in stages:
- Awareness that comes from dialogue.
- Reflection after the fact that may help change established behavior patterns. (Writing things down can help with this process.)
- Change in the moment.”
“Make sure you calm yourself before engaging with your partner,” Kimberly advises. “Many people get easily activated when conflict begins, especially if past conflict has been unhealthy. Taking a few deep breaths can help us reset and think more clearly. We will be better able to access the new information we’ve learned and remind ourselves of what we want to do differently if we are calm.
3. Do something different.
“Try responding to your partner differently in the moment. How do they want you to respond to them when they are angry? How do they want to make up after the argument? Give something new a try,” she says.
“But don’t stop there. Reflect on how things went from a non-judgmental place after you have implemented the new technique.
Was it successful? How could you continue to improve in the future? If you weren’t able to respond with gentleness and compassion, what blocked you from responding that way?”
Kimberly finishes with this last word of encouragement: “Change takes time, but you can continue to improve through your willingness to change, reflection on your own behavior, curiosity about your partner’s perspectives/needs, and compassion for yourself and your partner when you misstep.”
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