It happens to all of us, even those of us who have always fancied ourselves the least socially dramatic. Sometimes, we lose a friend.
Even if you personally avoid “drama,” other people’s vastly colorful and textured personalities, patterns, and histories exist all around us. Conflict finds us, despite our best efforts, and it’s not always within our control to redirect the conversation or save the relationship.
Sometimes, that loss of friendship is immensely significant. Losing a friendship is not unlike the deep pain of a romantic loss. And sometimes, it’s not as clear-cut as a romantic breakup. Sometimes, it’s muddled in mystery that leaves us ruminating on how to move forward in a context we don’t understand.
We decided to bring out the big guns, aka Dr. Jaime Zuckerman, Licensed Clinical Psychologist and Narcissistic Abuse Expert. She helps us understand how to act respectfully and think clearly in these situations. She also explains how accountability, self-love, and reflection can help us avoid rumination.
If you’ve been cut off from a friend recently and you don’t know why, here’s her advice on top concerns:
“All friendships are unique and dependent upon what both individuals bring to the table. However, if a close friend has suddenly, and without explanation, removed themself from contact, it is absolutely appropriate to reach out via that friendship’s typical way of communicating (e.g., FaceTime, text, call, DM, and so on).
Given the sudden nature of the break in contact, it’s quite normal to express concern and reach out. However, if this is a recurring theme within the friendship that causes you frustration, it would be understandable if you choose not to reach out yet again.”
How do you keep your cool?
“Of course, you may feel a wide range of emotions that range from concern to anger. Having a strong emotional reaction to such a sudden break in communication is valid. It is what you choose to do with these emotions that is important. It may be easy to assume you did something wrong or take their lack of response as a personal attack. It may be tempting to send an angry message. However, sitting with your discomfort, rather than acting on it, will actually allow that anger to subside.”
“Confusion in this scenario is also an extremely valid response. However, trying desperately to figure out a reason for something that’s out of your control doesn’t help. Unfortunately, you just don’t have enough information to come to a conclusion.
“People crave structure and certainty. When we can predict what comes next, we are naturally less anxious. However, when we are faced with uncertainty, we gravitate towards worry as a coping skill. Coming up with various scenarios makes us feel as if we are solving the problem. However, rumination only offers the illusion of control. It actually takes us out of the present moment and traps us in our heads.”
How do you preserve your energy and be a mature party?
“Recognize that their response has nothing to do with you. It’s their choice. There may be a myriad of reasons why they fell out of contact. Bottom line is this: If you are not getting an answer as to why, despite reaching out, ruminating will not make it any clearer. This also zaps your energy.
“Acknowledge your emotions, sit with them, and let them pass. Constant reaching out that falls on deaf ears and continued discussion of the fallout with others will only feed the rumination further. Instead, reach out to a responsive friend if you are craving connection. Get off your phone or social media for a bit, get outside, and get more involved in whatever it is you’re interested in.”
How can you use self-reflection for growth?
“Self-reflection can be an unpleasant task. You must be willing to acknowledge and tolerate uncomfortable thoughts and emotions, and, ultimately, make changes. Engaging in a value assessment can be very helpful when self-reflecting. It helps you see if your current actions, decisions, goals, and behavior patterns are in line with your values, or if they are taking you further away from them. When your behaviors and actions are value-driven, you’ll find more fulfillment in life.”
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