If you feel like you’re talking in circles with your partner, it may be time to ditch the small talk and dive into the deep end.
We know—intimate conversations can be intimidating. But they can also be a game-changer.
That’s why we’re tapping into the wisdom of The Gottman Institute, which has spent decades studying relationships.
“Deep, intimate conversations allow you to get to know your partner at their core and to feel known by them. It is through feeling seen and truly known that we, as humans, feel connected,” says Kimberly Panganiban, MA, LMFT, a certified Gottman couples therapist.
Remember, you’re building a connection, not a wall. Kimberly offers some guidelines below to help navigate intimate conversations with your partner.
1. Put your feelings into words.
“This requires you to identify and label the emotion you are having (such as happy, shy, surprised, rejected, misunderstood, etc.),” Kimberly says. “Sharing emotions brings your partner into your inner world, what is going on below the surface.”
2. Ask open-ended questions.
“Asking open-ended questions involves listening to your partner, being curious about what they are saying, and thinking of questions to explore your partner’s thoughts and feelings at a deeper level,” says Kimberly.
“For example, questions such as ‘What else are you feeling?’ or ‘What do you really wish for?’ give your partner a safe space to explore themselves and share that with you. Be curious, not critical.”
3. Express empathy.
Reminder: The only goal here is understanding, so leave problem-solving at the door.
“Expressing empathy requires you to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and understand what they are saying or feeling,” Kimberly explains. “Then, communicate that what they are saying and feeling makes sense to you. Phrases such as, ‘You’re in a tough spot here,’ or ‘Wow, that sounds terrible,’ can go a long way in helping your partner feel seen, understood, and connected to you.”
Kimberly adds that we also shouldn’t underestimate the power of reflection.
“If you can’t think of a question or aren’t sure how best to express empathy, just reflect (i.e. summarize) what you think you have heard your partner say so far. This helps them feel heard and seen and deepens your own understanding of where they are at.”
See? Not so bad after all.
While you’re at this whole cultivating-a-deep-healthy-relationship thing, brush up on the magic ratio that can make your relationship stronger and how to handle conflicts the healthy way.
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