A relationship is a funny thing. It’s as if it were a separate person, comprising you and…them. It has its language, habits, friends, memories.
That “person” needs to be given the best possible death with the least amount of collateral damage.
How your partner behaves is up to them, but if you keep your side of the street clean, you will become a better partner in the future—and attract someone to match. What you broadcast with your integrity will speak louder than defending yourself against gossip, and your good behavior might even turn your former partner in a bad relationship into a friend for life.
Try this, and see how quickly your life falls into a better place:
Remember all the times you read each other’s minds, finished each other’s sentences, called each other at the same time? When a relationship ends, that kind of communication has to be cut off. Don’t have conversations in your head with the other person, and recognize that you often don’t know they are the one who is speaking to you!
If you have something to say to the person, be kind, but direct. If they are clogging your airways with “telepathic talk,” redirect your attention elsewhere.
2. Define your new contract.
All relationships are contracts. You had rules during the relationship. If possible, have rules for the break-up, and stick to them. If the two of you can’t cooperate, make your own rules. You will find that if you do, it will de-escalate any potential problem.
Energy loves order. Be the order.
3. You share a world. Do it with ease in mind.
Consciously redefine the relationship you’ve had with shared friends, venues, and other areas of intersection. Come to an agreement with your ex about these new definitions. If that is not possible, find a respectful way to present the new paradigm to the world. Remember, no matter what the other person does, how you present yourself is something you decide.
4. Don’t get sucked in by ambulance chasers.
Of course you may need safe spaces to vent. Your therapist? Your best friend? Your mom? You bet. However, there are always those “friends” who want to take sides or “be there for you.” Buyer beware.
5. You are not responsible for someone else’s feelings.
You are not your ex’s therapist, responsible for their fortunes and feelings. In fact, you are the least appropriate person to respond to what they’re going through in the relationship’s aftermath. There may be a time in the future where you can be a helpful friend, but putting yourself in the “arsonist-firefighter” position won’t do either of you any good.
It’s not uncommon for an injured party to process old wounds by projecting them onto new ones. Villain or victim—neither one is a look you have to wear.
Don’t get into the mud puddle. Let your attention and presence reflect the newly single, wonderful you!
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