“Fingering is back!” a member of our team recently declared in the group chat. That got some of us wondering … did it really go anywhere? “While fingering never went away, most heterosexual couples stop viewing fingering as a central part of their sex lives after entering adulthood,” says Casey Tanner, certified sex therapist and expert for LELO. That’s because growing up, fingering was widely thought of as something you did before having “real sex”—read: penis-in-vagina sex.
Fingering is making a comeback in large part because socially and culturally, we’re getting more serious about good sex ed, Tanner says. And good sex ed teaches us that what we’ve historically defined as “real sex” isn’t making most people with vulvas orgasm. “It actually isn’t a peak pleasure experience for nearly half of the population,” she says.
However, good sex ed isn’t what’s being taught in most schools. That’s where social platforms come in. Tanner says that on TikTok and Instagram, sex educators are emphasizing how central the clitoris is in orgasm—and that it’s best accessed externally, not through penetration. “Fingering the clitoris—either alone or with a partner—is one of the most effective ways people with vulvas can orgasm,” Tanner says. “Educators are trying to shift the narrative away from foreplay as something that is ‘optional’ or happens before ‘real sex,’ and toward an emphasis on oral sex and fingering as being a just-as-valid and (perhaps more) pleasurable way of being intimate.” This info is central in closing the pleasure gap between men and women, Tanner says.
“It’s also important to note that within the queer community, particularly among lesbians and other queer people with vulvas, fingering never went anywhere. Perhaps this is why research shows that lesbians orgasm at a higher rate than heterosexual women,” Tanner says.
Hopefully everyone is now convinced that fingering the clit is great, but just in case: “Beyond the fact that fingering the clitoris is more likely to lead to orgasm for people with vulvas than penetrative sex, fingering can be deeply intimate,” Tanner says. “For some, it brings them back to the excitement of their early sexual experiences. For others, it helps bring versatility by helping mix up a couple’s sexual repertoire.” She also adds that, compared to penetrative sex with a penis, fingering is accessible with clothing on—which makes for more opportunities to explore.
Ofc, we also need to talk about butt stuff. “The anus and surrounding skin contain highly sensitive nerve tissue that make it an erogenous zone regardless for many,” Tanner says. “While many of us carry misconceptions about anal, the truth is that anal fingering is a generally safe sexual activity that can bring immense pleasure and even orgasm.”
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